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Harvard

Treebola Outbreak Spreads Rapidly through the Northeast

Cambridge, MA- The dreaded disease treebola has reached the United States. Health officials have urged the public not to panic, while emphasizing the severity of the crisis. “Several acres have reportedly been infected, the air around them has gotten chillier, and we have already begun to quarantine all infected trees in the region,“ said Dr. Margaret Chan of the World Health Organization. “We have never seen anything of this magnitude.”

Fox News Confirms Majority Of Harvard Students Seem To Have Paid Attention In History Class

Cambridge, MA--- A recent Fox News "Campus Reform" interview of Harvard students confirmed earlier this week that a majority of Harvard students do seem to have paid attention in history class at some point over the course of their lives.

The interview, which sought to determine if Harvard students thought America or ISIS is a greater threat to world peace, revealed unusually nuanced perspectives from students at one of the nation's top colleges, which indicated high levels of international history study and comprehension.  

The Smith Campus Center, One Year Later

Cambridge, MA- Almost one year ago, students awoke to a transformed world. The Holyoke Center, the beloved home of everything from university offices to university offices, was renamed the Richard A. and Susan F. Smith Campus Center, beginning an ambitious renovation project to transform the building into a social hub for students. Now, almost a year into the project, students are finally seeing the results of the renovation, and they love it.

Folklore and Myth Concentrator Excited to Begin Thesis on "The Female Orgasm"

Cambridge, MA- Folklore and Mythology concentrator Vince Willendorf has recently expressed excitement for senior year and beginning of his largest academic project to date.
 
"Folklore and Myth has just taught me so much. It's exciting to apply my learning to the modern myths of our day" said Willendorf. "Like El Chupacabra and the Yeti, the 'Female Orgasm" is a superstition still believed in some areas of the world."
 

Non-Sociopaths Still Underrepresented at Harvard

Cambridge, MA- Despite efforts to increase diversity at the college, Harvard’s most recent admissions report suggests that people capable of empathy continue to be underrepresented in the incoming Class of 2017. Although sociopaths make up less than 1% of the U.S population, they accounted for 54% of this years admitted students.

College Shuts off Water, Electricity Over Spring Break

Cambridge, MA-- In an effort to add to the savings accrued during HUDS’ spring break closing, Harvard financial officers have reportedly ordered the shutdown of all College utilities for the duration of the week.

Sophomore Sets Record for Number of VES Classes He Has Been Rejected From

Cambridge, MA--- Still in the midst of shopping week, Harvard sophomore Tom Stepps has been rejected from three hundred and fifty seven classes in the VES department. “I thought if I applied to a bunch of them and had a decade of hands-on experience and interest in the visual arts, I could get in,” explained Stepps, “but clearly I should have thought more carefully in the interview about which films have inspired me most.”

President Mayopoulos Declares Martial Law

President Gus Mayopoulos, who reportedly suffers from impotence and a crippling fear of the color orange, has declared a State of Emergency on Harvard’s campus. A curfew is now in effect for all students and professors, who must return to their homes by 10pm and get lunch with him in Kirkland at noon so he does not have to eat alone.

Coop Stops Rebates, Humanities Concentrators Lose “Feeling of Getting Paid”

After 131 years of issuing rebates in the form of checks to student customers, the Coop recently started doing instant discounts on all purchases. Since its decision, the store, with its little known and little advertised Harvard affiliation, has received mixed reviews about the change.
 

Sam Clark Retires From Public Life

Cambridge, MA - Undergraduate Council President-elect Sam Clark has officially announced his retirement from public life following his shocking victory in the recent UC elections. 

After a week in which the Harvard junior found himself launched into viral video fame and was elected to the highest office in the land, Clark has announced that he has decided to step back from public life, forsaking the spotlight in favor of a quiet life on his family's ancestral puppy farm.  

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