HARVARD YARD – According to reports from sources close to University Operations, Lamont Library will no longer be offering complimentary checked bags upon departure.

Mirroring a nationwide trend, the once-prestigious library in the Yard's southeast corner has decided to do away with a service that has been taken for granted by many, much to the chagrin of frequent studiers.

CAMBRIDGE, MA - In addition to checking every single pocket of student backpacks for contraband books, Lamont Securitas guards will now screen students for hidden emotional baggage. The announcement comes as students face additional stress during midterm season and may leave the library with higher than usual amounts of unresolved emotional issues, including crippling self-doubt, intense desire for validation, and GPA envy.

LAMONT LIBRARY, Mass. — In a shocking new development, the Lamont Securitas guard has announced that he would like you to open the front-most pocket on your backpack, too.