and entering

Lamont Securitas Guard Wants to Check that Pocket, Too

LAMONT LIBRARY, Mass. — In a shocking new development, the Lamont Securitas guard has announced that he would like you to open the front-most pocket on your backpack, too.

In a new decree made particularly disturbing by the fact that you usually leave Lamont when the chill, distracted security guard is working, the Securitas professional on duty has indicated that the four inch long zipper on the very front of your bag must be unfastened in order for its contents to be inspected for stolen texts.

This unexpected announcement came just before three o’clock in the morning, immediately after you had already opened the backpack’s two large, potentially book-containing compartments. Despite the suspect pocket’s limp, unsupported form, or the fact that its miniscule size could perhaps conceal a pack of index cards or an iPhone, the guard has made it explicitly clear that no small inconvenience will stand in the way of an exhaustive bag search in order to prevent the theft of Lamont library materials.

Additionally, our sources have learned that this particular Securitas employee will continue to check this obscure and tiny pocket every time you leave Lamont from now until you graduate.

As of press time, the guard has completed his thorough and meticulous inspection of your backpack and has failed to notice the bundle of rare manuscripts you are currently smuggling out in your pants.

© 2014