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“How’re We Gonna Make More People, Then?!”: U.S. Baby Formula Shortage Alarms Scientists

A bald man wearing a white coat, gloves, and goggles is standing in a dark lab and holding up a glowing green erlenmeyer flask

CAMBRIDGE, MA – As the United States continues to grapple with a shortage of baby formula, a team of the nation’s top scientists are racking their brains to identify an alternative means of creating new children.

“If we don’t have the baby formula, how are we supposed to make new babies? That others in the scientific community aren’t raising the alarm over this formula shortage is almost as shocking as the shortage itself,” said Robert Grohmann, director of the MIT Synthetic Biology Center. 

Sexualizing Women and Removing Dress Codes: the Secret to Keeping Our Boys in School

pioneer girl in blue bonnet and frilly dress writes on a slate tablet with chalk

WASHINGTON, D.C. – At a press conference yesterday, the District of Columbia Public School system announced a plan to remove controversial, misogynistic school dress codes in an attempt to improve the district’s dismal graduation rates. The intended impact of the decision? To make school more enjoyable for boys. 

BREAKING: Senator Joe Manchin Makes First Ever Friends

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- With a razor-thin Democratic majority in the United States Senate, West Virginia Senator Joe Manchin is ready for his close-up. After years of being disliked by his colleagues on both sides of the aisle, Manchin is a real Capitol Hill Cinderella story ("A Capitol Hill Cinderella Story" is also the working title for Lin Manuel Miranda’s "January 6th, the Musical").

New Government Order Strips All Married Men of their Bachelor’s Degrees

graduation

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- Joseph Epstein’s Wall Street Journal op-ed questioning Dr. Jill Biden’s credentials, “Is There a Doctor in the White House? Not if You Need an MD'' is causing a paradigmatic shift in higher education. In a new statement issued yesterday, the United States Department of Education announced that all degree-awarding institutions must review the current status of all alumni and revoke degrees from those who no longer fit the title of their degree, or else risk losing their status as an accredited university.

How to Lower COVID-19 Case Counts

anthony fauci

This list is compiled from the crumpled pieces of paper found in Dr. Anthony Fauci’s wastebasket.

How to lower case counts in the US:

- Vaccine for COVID

- Vaccine for anti-vaxxers (Note: Bleach no longer on sale)

- Test less

- Test more, but actually fix the situation

- Call it "covid" instead of "COVID"

Unlearn to Count   Nevada beat us to it

- 20 to 30 minutes of moderate cardiovascular exercise, 3 times a week

- One apple a day (Note: May impede health care workers)

Local Store Jeff’s Fertilizer Emporium Boards Up Windows

store boarded up with plywood

KENNETT SQUARE, PA — All across the country, stores from Saks Fifth Avenue to Sweetgreen are preparing in advance for citizens to take to the streets after the historic 2020 election. Local store owner Dicky “Jeff” Martin surprised everybody on Tuesday morning when he, too, was spotted boarding up his windows. Jeff is betting that his store, the local Fertilizer Emporium, of which he is the third-generation owner, is going to be one of the prime targets.  

Tennis Officials Oppose “Packing the Courts”

St. Petersburg, FL—After many prominent voices volleyed around the idea of ‘packing the courts,’ top officials from the World Tennis Association came out with an official statement to limit attendance at matches to 9 spectators.

In an open press release, the Director of Communications Smith stated “our mission is to spread the love. But we can only do that if we serve our greater communities.”

Red Sox Push Forward With “One Player at a Time” Championship Strategy

BOSTON – Following Tuesday night’s World Series victory for Mookie Betts, the Boston Red Sox are 1/25th of the way to their goal of having each player from their 2019 opening day roster win it all. “The easiest way would have obviously been to just win last year,” said CEO Sam Kennedy, “but after that didn’t work out we decided to take it one-by-one, starting with Mookie.”

Why I'm Voting (A B-List Celebrity Told Me to On Instagram)

I wasn’t planning to vote. Too much of a hassle, you know? Much easier to sit back, relax, and binge all ten episodes of Netflix’s steaming pile of hot garbage known as Emily in Paris (but it's, like, good hot garbage). A few nights ago, while scrolling on Instagram while hate-watching the show, I came across a post from its very star, Lily Collins.

(What a crazy coincidence that as I’m watching her show her post pops up on my feed. It’s purely a coincidence, though. Netflix would never sell my data to Instagram or anything. That would be so mean.)

Head & Shoulders Releases “479-in-1 Shampoo," Includes Rocket Fuel, Conditioner

An array of shampoo bottles.
CINCINNATI, OH — Now featured on Amazon Prime Pantry, Head & Shoulders recently rolled out the acclaimed next generation of their two-in-one hair product: The “Four-Hundred-and-Seventy-Nine in One” Shampoo, advertised as “literally all you will need. Ever.” First and foremost, this multi-purpose chemical cocktail includes everything one might expect, including tear-free shampoo, body wash, toothpaste, mouthwash, acne cream, vegetable oil, lighter fluid, water, hydroxychloroquine, a Starbucks Frappucino®, and conditioner.

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