Vacation Island, BM – Diane Feinstein (D-CA), believed-to-be-recently-deceased senator and all-around party animal, has been discovered hosting a shindig at her mansion on Vacation Island in a shocking turn of events. This news follows reports that Feinstein died Friday morning.

By: Henry Kissinger

Hey, you. Yeah, you, over there, with your ‘morals’ and ‘ethical qualms.’ I know you’re looking at me and thinking wow, how is that asshole still kicking? How does he look THAT good at the tender age of 96? There’s a simple answer: I’m going to live forever, and it’s because karma isn’t real. Yeah, sure, there are more obvious reasons: I’m rich, napalm is an exfoliant, the lifeblood of Southeast Asian children courses through my veins.

WASHINGTON, D.C. — The last few weeks have been tumultuous for the Trump Administration. With the House threatening impeachment and many of Trump’s associates facing jail time, a few of the president’s closest advisors have developed creative solutions to avoid prosecution. Most notably, the politician formerly know Rudy Giuliani has legally changed his name to “Widdle Baby.”

WASHINGTON, D.C. — After the Senate voted unanimously to allow Senator Tammy Duckworth to bring her newborn, Maile Pearl Bowlsbey, onto the Senate floor, the newborn child surprised onlookers by voting Republican.

Chuck Schumer, the Minority Leader, reportedly pleaded with the child, promising her all the baby formula she could want and a brand new blanket to swaddle in. Mitch McConnell, the Majority Leader, countered with an offer of a separate room from her sister and a tax cut which will take effect after her college graduation.

Hey there, voter.

I heard you’re looking for a Republican lawmaker who’s socially and economically conservative, but not in an off-putting way. Well, look no further than me, because I’m not like those other Republicans. I’m a moderate.

NEW YORK, NY – In the freshest release of the much-anticipated annual college rankings, U.S. News and World Report ranked the U.S. Electoral College as the fifth best undergraduate institution of higher learning in the nation.