By: Henry Kissinger
Hey, you. Yeah, you, over there, with your ‘morals’ and ‘ethical qualms.’ I know you’re looking at me and thinking wow, how is that asshole still kicking? How does he look THAT good at the tender age of 96? There’s a simple answer: I’m going to live forever, and it’s because karma isn’t real. Yeah, sure, there are more obvious reasons: I’m rich, napalm is an exfoliant, the lifeblood of Southeast Asian children courses through my veins.
But really, if you search your thoughts deep down, you’ll see that there’s only one true explanation for my being here, and it’s because someone upstairs knows that I’m the best that ever did it. Sure, I engineered a little war or three here and there, refused to back down in Vietnam, all that jazz. Might’ve helped with the whole bombing Cambodia thing, come to think of it. But really, did you think I would suffer consequences for that? Did you actually think, deep down, that I might have to face the music?
Come on now. We aren’t even a part of the International Criminal Court! I’m going to be giving serious-sounding talks about realpolitik right here at home for the rest of your natural life – isn’t it great? The universe took a look at me, at my little tiny mistakes and incredible triumphs, and decided I deserve to outlive you all. Nixon? Beat him. Christopher Hitchens? Criticize me from the afterlife, buddy. I’m balling out here on Earth, and this is only my first century!
Honestly, the nerve of some of you, questioning why I never had to answer for advocating for small missteps like Vietnam and Chile like you don’t deal with your own haters. For shame! Here I am, on top of the world and riding high, and all those naysayers just won’t let bygones be bygones. It makes me sick, honestly. Can’t you just let me enjoy my immortality? I did the math – if I get life force from each person who just happened to gently pass away in the wars I was allegedly (you can’t prove anything) involved in, I’ve got at least an extra 150,000 years. And I’ll use them well! I can’t wait to see C-beams glitter in the dark near the Tannhäuser Gate in a few hundred years - American C-Beams, of course, no doubt winning the freedom of some oppressed natural resources. So just settle in and get used to it. I’m sure if you stick around we’ll be fast friends in a century or two, and then we can all hang out, you and Dick Cheney and me.
