WASHINGTON — Earlier this morning, the Pectoral College declared Arnold Schwarzenegger the winner of its quadrennial “Bro-mander in Chief” award, given every four years to the best bodybuilder in America. The College, an illustrious body of 538 expert judges, had spent over a month weighing the decision carefully. Ultimately, the College concluded that Schwarzenegger had the strength and stamina necessary to become the leader of the free-weight world, citing his extensive experience in the House of Reps.

NEW YORK, NY – In the freshest release of the much-anticipated annual college rankings, U.S. News and World Report ranked the U.S. Electoral College as the fifth best undergraduate institution of higher learning in the nation.

After losing the U.S. Presidential Election, Mitt Romney has decided that the Electoral College is not for him.   In a tearful call to his parents Tuesday night, Romney declared he would “never go back to that damn College,” instead hoping to pursue a career at a local Dairy Queen.

“It’s not that people didn’t like me—it’s just that the pressures of the Electoral College were too much.  Maybe I should have joined a frat.  I don’t know.”