After losing the U.S. Presidential Election, Mitt Romney has decided that the Electoral College is not for him.   In a tearful call to his parents Tuesday night, Romney declared he would “never go back to that damn College,” instead hoping to pursue a career at a local Dairy Queen.

“It’s not that people didn’t like me—it’s just that the pressures of the Electoral College were too much.  Maybe I should have joined a frat.  I don’t know.”

In a disaster certain to alienate many, Kanye West appeared in a leaked video in which he made derogatory remarks about his fanbase. 

“There are 47 percent of people that will listen to my music no matter what,” West says in the now-infamous video, “All right, there are 47 percent who feel like they’re black when they listen to my music, who feel like they can wear flat-brims and thick chains and wear grills when they’re bumpin’ my beats, and that’s okay."            

SESAME STREET- Elmo from Sesame Street has gone on the lam after vowing to kill Republican Presidential candidate Mitt Romney. Elmo, who was watching the first presidential debate on local aristocrat Count van Count’s TV with several other residents of the street, reportedly flew into a rage when Romney stated that, although he loved Big Bird, he would pull funding from PBS.