TAMPA, FL--At the Republican Convenction earlier this month, Anne Romney asserted that her husband, presidential candidate Mitt Romney, was actually “a real boy”. 

Pundits and journalists alike call her speech an effort to allay criticism that the former governor is merely a puppet of the GOP establishment who possesses neither any particular views of his own nor a distinctly human personality.  “On the campaign trail, Mitt has struggled not to appear wooden and dry,” noted CNN political correspondent Candy Crowley on her program, State of the Union.  “It’s been very off-putting for all of us who expected the Republican Party to nominate a candidate of our own species.”  She then went on to describe eyewitness reports of Romney’s campaign staff sticking a gigantic key into his back and winding him up before speeches.

Anne Romney’s speech was intended to change all of these perceptions.  Speaking in front of thousands at the Tampa Bay Times Forum, she confidently put an end to all suspicion by recounting the story of their courtship.  “We met at the shop of an old Italian toymaker, Geppetto.  Mitt was working there for the summer, he said.  He was 19, and I was 12.  It was love at first sight.  He was such a gentleman, singing to me in Italian about profit maximization and the American businessman.  He was a dreamer, that was for sure.  And when we’re together, there’s only one part of him that’s wooden.”

Following her speech, there was a montage of the happy couple throughout the campaign.  According to an anonymous Romney staffer, photographs were chosen that minimized the appearance of Romney’s steadily elongating nose.