I wasn’t planning to vote. Too much of a hassle, you know? Much easier to sit back, relax, and binge all ten episodes of Netflix’s steaming pile of hot garbage known as Emily in Paris (but it's, like, good hot garbage). A few nights ago, while scrolling on Instagram while hate-watching the show, I came across a post from its very star, Lily Collins.

(What a crazy coincidence that as I’m watching her show her post pops up on my feed. It’s purely a coincidence, though. Netflix would never sell my data to Instagram or anything. That would be so mean.)

SILVER SPRING, MD – The U.S. Food and Drug Administration has just announced that pharmaceutical giant Bayer’s new drug, VaxVax, has been approved for public release in 2020. VaxVax, known generically as Vaccineauxmore, has gained attention through advertisements declaring it “the only true protection against vaccines.”

San Bruno, CA – Last week, YouTube released a new update that allows users to customize their “Recommended Videos” list after studies reported that 99% of people felt ‘crippling low self-esteem’ and ‘deep feelings of shame’ when they saw content like ‘Top 10 Fights Bachelor’ in their recommended videos, despite watching Bachelor clips for 5 hours straight beforehand.

WASHINGTON, D.C. – In a statement issued last week by White House Press Secretary Kayleigh McEnany, the Trump Administration clarified that the President never actually told Americans to eat Tide pods, only that it was, “you know, like, a thing that you could think about doing.”

By Boo Radley

In the last few weeks I’ve noticed a lot of articles giving advice on how to pass the time in quarantine, and as someone who’s been practicing social distancing since before the Spanish Flu, I’d like to weigh in with some advice of my own. If you remember anything from your eighth grade English unit on To Kill a Mockingbird, you’ll know you can trust me. I’ve spent decades in quarantine without going crazy (or any crazier than I was when they locked me up), and Animal Crossing didn’t even exist then.

Chicago, IL – There continue to be new developments regarding the highly infectious novel virus, COVID-19. At first, it was said to be transmitted through person-to-person contact. Then it was found that coronavirus can survive on surfaces for several days. A Harvard study then concluded that the disease can cause patients to lose their sense of smell and taste. It was later reported that coronavirus can travel 13 feet in the air – twice as far as the social distancing guidelines – and even transmit through shoes.

By: Henry Kissinger

Hey, you. Yeah, you, over there, with your ‘morals’ and ‘ethical qualms.’ I know you’re looking at me and thinking wow, how is that asshole still kicking? How does he look THAT good at the tender age of 96? There’s a simple answer: I’m going to live forever, and it’s because karma isn’t real. Yeah, sure, there are more obvious reasons: I’m rich, napalm is an exfoliant, the lifeblood of Southeast Asian children courses through my veins.

NEW YORK, NY—As the shortage of Personal Protective Equipment (PPE) continues, the CDC announced today that all doctors will be required to perform intubations over the remote call platform Zoom. In person intubations, required for ventilation, have been deemed unsafe for healthcare workers. Lead spokesperson for the CDC, Dan Michowski, stated in a press release on the policy that “we determined it was time for America’s healthcare system to evolve with the times, and join the rest of the nation in remote work.”