SatireV

Breaking

and entering

U.S.

Disgruntled Spring Breakers Move the Party to the Life Care Center in Kirkland, Washington

KIRKLAND, WA — As the coronavirus pandemic sweeps the country, public officials are pushing for the adoption of social distancing measures nationwide. But some college kids are refusing to let COVID-19 ruin their spring break.

Brady Sluder, an aspiring SoundCloud rapper from Ohio, told reporters in Miami beach, “If I get corona I, I get corona… I’m not going to let it stop me from partying.” Now that many Florida beaches have closed, Sluder and other spring-breakers are taking the party to a new destination: the Life Care Center nursing home in Kirkland, WA.

You Posted a Picture of Your “I Voted” Sticker? Well, I Posted One of My “I Voted” Face Tattoo.

By Elaine (aka @shegotmorevotes270)

 

You may have posted your Valencia filtered “I voted” sticker pic on Instagram, but I posted a picture of my “I voted” face tattoo because I’m a better social media activist than you are!

Uh huh, you think you’re special? You think you care about American social media activism because you took a picture of a sticker and VSCO’d it? Heh. Cute.

Rolling Can of Beef Ravioli from 2011 Chef Boyardee Commercial Still at Large

runaway can
CLEVELAND, OHIO — Law enforcement are still searching for the can of beef ravioli that escaped from a grocery store shelf seven years ago during a television commercial wherein a mother disallowed her little blonde daughter to take the infamous Chef Boyardee home for dinner. 
 

Joe Biden Trashes Joe Biden After Forgetting That He is Joe Biden

Joe Biden

NEW HAMPSHIRE -- In a stunning turn of events at the New Hampshire Primary Debate, former Vice President Joe Biden delivered his best debate performance yet, running an effective but brutal smear campaign against presidential hopeful, former Vice President Joe Biden.

Paper Straws Turned Me Conservative

paper straws

by a Millennial Coastal Elite

A put my full support behind the overwhelming majority of liberal policies and initiatives. In fact, there are many times where the Democrats don’t go far enough in pursuing racial, socioeconomic, gender, and environmental justice. But let me tell you one thing that I just can’t come to accept: paper straws. 

49ers Forced to Wear Jorts in Super Bowl by Stadium Sponsor Levi’s

MIAMI, FL – With the Super Bowl only days away, ESPN and FashionMagazine are reporting that the San Francisco 49ers are contractually obligated to wear blue denim shorts for the Big Game.

Reports say normal practice was interrupted Wednesday by representatives from Levi’s who stormed the facility in Santa Clara and began handing out new pairs of the questionably fashionable jean-shorts from size S (coach Kyle Shanahan) to XXXXL (lineman Justin Skule). 

BREAKING: Kamala Harris Insists She’s Been Listening to Lizzo Since She Was in Law School

LOS ANGELES, CA- When asked on the Ellen show who her favorite musician is, Kamala Harris, 54, immediately said it was Lizzo, 31, claiming that she has been her biggest fan since her final year at the University of California, Hastings College of the Law. 

NFL Midseason Analysis: Man Throw Ball Really Good

FOXBOROUGH, MA – This week, the New England Patriots faced off in a heated match against the Kansas City Chiefs, resulting in a moment where Patriots quarterback Tom Brady throwed the ball real good like.

Amazon Fulfillment Center Worker Breaks 400 Meter Sprint Record

PHOENIX, AZ – The world champion of 400 meter sprint, Olympian Wayde van Niekerk, was dethroned by thirty five year old Amazon warehouse worker Griff Brown as he stocked packages to meet the latest deadlines imposed by his supervisors.

Rudy Giuliani Legally Changes Name to “Widdle Baby” to Avoid Prosecution

WASHINGTON, D.C. — The last few weeks have been tumultuous for the Trump Administration. With the House threatening impeachment and many of Trump’s associates facing jail time, a few of the president’s closest advisors have developed creative solutions to avoid prosecution. Most notably, the politician formerly know Rudy Giuliani has legally changed his name to “Widdle Baby.”

Pages