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FDA Approves VaxVax, the Vaccine Against Vaccines

you can tell this vaccine is a good one because it's a cartoon

SILVER SPRING, MD – The U.S. Food and Drug Administration has just announced that pharmaceutical giant Bayer’s new drug, VaxVax, has been approved for public release in 2020. VaxVax, known generically as Vaccineauxmore, has gained attention through advertisements declaring it “the only true protection against vaccines.”

The anti-vaxx community has been dumbstruck by VaxVax’s arrival onto the pharmaceutical scene, which has sparked massive debate amongst the ever-growing community. Some anti-vaxxers think it’s a no-brainer to get their children vaccinated with VaxVax. “After all,” writes Twitter user @allmykidsareneurotypical, “I may not trust vaccines, but I trust vaccines even less.”

Others are less convinced. Twitter user @holisticmommy121 claims that the new drug is a “gateway vaccine,” while Greg Holden, creator of the website “Vax on Vax on Vax (Is Too Many Vax!!!)” urges Americans to “open their sheep eyes. It’s so obvious if you just sound it out. Vaccineauxmore… Vaccine no more… As in, you won’t need vaccines no more, because you’ll be dead.”

Although VaxVax is not without skeptics, Bayer seems confident that the drug will be a commercial success. Laurie Hekmat, director of U.S. marketing, claims that focus groups have responded “overwhelmingly positively” to their marketing campaigns, with the most popular being “Once you go VaxVax, you’ll never go backback.”

Bayer hopes to begin supplying VaxVax to hospitals in the next month. It is not covered by any existing insurance policies in the United States. Patrick Lockwood-Taylor, President of Bayer Health North America, asserts that this is “a small price to pay to keep your loved ones safe from the potential dangers of non-Bayer brand vaccines that may or may not be harmful. When deciding the best way to protect your loved ones from infectious diseases, keep in mind Bayer guarantees that our vaccines are not the kind that allow the government to control you.”

During a press conference, when asked if VaxVax really works to vaccinate patients against vaccines, FDA head Dr. Stephen Hahn stated, “VaxVax has surpassed our rigorous standards and has shown very promising results during clinical trials.” Once Bayer representatives left the conference room, Hahn commented, “It’s totally just the measles vaccine.”

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