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I Am the Hero America Needs During Coronavirus

Rob Gronkowski
by Drew Rosenhaus, Rob Gronkowki's Agent

‘Sup, homies? My name is Drew Rosenhaus, but you can call me the GOAT of NFL Agents. You’ve probably heard by now that Rob Gronkowski, my prized cattle–uh, I mean client–is coming out of retirement and joining Tom Brady in Tampa Bay. And all I have to say to that is, you're welcome, America.

NFL Midseason Analysis: Man Throw Ball Really Good

FOXBOROUGH, MA – This week, the New England Patriots faced off in a heated match against the Kansas City Chiefs, resulting in a moment where Patriots quarterback Tom Brady throwed the ball real good like.

Boston Duckboats Rebrand as Full-Time Championship Parade Vehicles

BOSTON, MA–  Citing the 11,000 championships in the past 18 years won by the city’s 4 major sports teams, Boston Duck Tours CEO Sheila Donahue announced on Tuesday the company's decision to operate exclusively for championship parades. 

Area Student Not Sure How to Respond to Over-Enthusiastic Uber Driver

Boston, MA – Area student Michael Asher appeared visibly shaken after what he is describing as a “traumatic” Uber experience. The ride started out just like any other: Asher and his friends entered the Blue 2011 Honda Civic they had called and graciously said a quick “hello” to their driver Tamir before immediately turning their attention to their smartphones. 

Prick Lowell Resident Accuses HoCo of Underinflating Super Bowl Party Balloons

Lowell resident and resident prick Stephen Dugey ’15 issued claims this afternoon that HoCo had purposefully underinflated the Seahawks–themed balloons at its super bowl party in the JCR, sparking a debate as to the unbiased nature of the House Committee.

“The Patriots colors flew high to the ceiling while the Seahawks balloons noticeably sagged a bit,” said Dugey, between occasional, annoying comments that interrupted both the game and the funny commercials. “I could feel my pride in the Seahawks deflating at the same time,” he added, pleased with his cleverness.