I just became one of the richest sports agents overnight. My phone is ringing off the chains. But let me tell you, getting to this point wasn’t easy: every night since Gronk announced his retirement, I snuck into his 3rd story bedroom to play a hypnosis tape that said “You've recovered from your 20+ concussions. 3 Super Bowl championships aren't nearly enough. You will give your agent a 20% cut” on repeat. Then, every morning I had to sneak out before he woke up. Sure, my wife thought I was having an affair and she’s since kicked me out of the house and I see the kids only every other weekend, but who cares? I’m swimming in cash. Boo yeah!
Let me tell you though, Gronk threw me off when he said he'd return only if he could play with his BFF Tom Brady. I mean, there was no way Bellichick would want Gronk's broken body back on the Pats. But I did what any dedicated agent would do: slipped a little something something into Mr. Brady's drink before the Wild Card game against the Dolphins so that he'd throw a last-minute pick-6 that guaranteed 1) Brady wouldn't retire so he could redeem himself and 2) hard-ass Bellichick would trade Brady. It was as easy as taking candy from a concussed football player!
When the news of Gronk's return was released, I called Gronk the hero we need during coronavirus, our very own Captain America. Some of you may think that comparison makes light of all the frontline workers sacrificing themselves. So I’d like to revise that statement: Gronk is not Captain America….without his sidekick Bucky Barnes aka The Winter Soldier aka ME. Just like Bucky, I’ve always got his back, know where he keeps the spare key to his house, and sometimes I go crazy and kill a couple folk. We are the true heroes of America during this pandemic!
To all you husband's bored at home with no sports to watch, just hang in there. In just a few more months, the NFL season will start again and you’ll get to see The Gronk play for an entire 4.3 games before he has a season-ending injury. Hell yeah!
