Chicago, IL – There continue to be new developments regarding the highly infectious novel virus, COVID-19. At first, it was said to be transmitted through person-to-person contact. Then it was found that coronavirus can survive on surfaces for several days. A Harvard study then concluded that the disease can cause patients to lose their sense of smell and taste. It was later reported that coronavirus can travel 13 feet in the air – twice as far as the social distancing guidelines – and even transmit through shoes.

By: Henry Kissinger

Hey, you. Yeah, you, over there, with your ‘morals’ and ‘ethical qualms.’ I know you’re looking at me and thinking wow, how is that asshole still kicking? How does he look THAT good at the tender age of 96? There’s a simple answer: I’m going to live forever, and it’s because karma isn’t real. Yeah, sure, there are more obvious reasons: I’m rich, napalm is an exfoliant, the lifeblood of Southeast Asian children courses through my veins.

NEW YORK, NY—As the shortage of Personal Protective Equipment (PPE) continues, the CDC announced today that all doctors will be required to perform intubations over the remote call platform Zoom. In person intubations, required for ventilation, have been deemed unsafe for healthcare workers. Lead spokesperson for the CDC, Dan Michowski, stated in a press release on the policy that “we determined it was time for America’s healthcare system to evolve with the times, and join the rest of the nation in remote work.” 

HOLLYWOOD, CA – Fans of the late Shirley Temple, known for her adorable, timeless songs like “On the Good Ship Lollipop” and “Animal Crackers in My Soup”, were shocked when a never-before-seen interview revealed that the actress had never put animal crackers in her soup.

On the 43^rd anniversary of the song’s release, fans around the world came together to watch the unreleased interview and were taken aback by the actress’ quizzical look following the interviewer’s joking question: “So, when’s the last time you put animal crackers in your soup?” 

Passing $400 million in cuts to N.Y. state hospital funding, practical national hero/sugar father Governor Andrew Cuomo was spotted making small talk with legislators during the statehouse’s Friday happy hour, coolly explaining his coordinates on the political axis quiz he “just took on BuzzFeed.” 

BOSTON, MA — In unsurprising news, area Massachusetts resident Thomas “The Goat” Brady is moving to Florida.

Some say Brady’s decision was driven by his selfish pursuit of football championships and money, but really, it’s just because he’s getting too old for shoveling snow. “I’m 43 now,” said Brady, “which is 60 in Football Years, but 80 in Cold Weather Years. It’s just time for me to start a new phase of my life.”

KIRKLAND, WA — As the coronavirus pandemic sweeps the country, public officials are pushing for the adoption of social distancing measures nationwide. But some college kids are refusing to let COVID-19 ruin their spring break.

Brady Sluder, an aspiring SoundCloud rapper from Ohio, told reporters in Miami beach, “If I get corona I, I get corona… I’m not going to let it stop me from partying.” Now that many Florida beaches have closed, Sluder and other spring-breakers are taking the party to a new destination: the Life Care Center nursing home in Kirkland, WA.

By Elaine (aka @shegotmorevotes270)

You may have posted your Valencia filtered “I voted” sticker pic on Instagram, but I posted a picture of my “I voted” face tattoo because I’m a better social media activist than you are!

Uh huh, you think you’re special? You think you care about American social media activism because you took a picture of a sticker and VSCO’d it? Heh. Cute.

NEW HAMPSHIRE -- In a stunning turn of events at the New Hampshire Primary Debate, former Vice President Joe Biden delivered his best debate performance yet, running an effective but brutal smear campaign against presidential hopeful, former Vice President Joe Biden.