NEW YORK, NY—As the shortage of Personal Protective Equipment (PPE) continues, the CDC announced today that all doctors will be required to perform intubations over the remote call platform Zoom. In person intubations, required for ventilation, have been deemed unsafe for healthcare workers. Lead spokesperson for the CDC, Dan Michowski, stated in a press release on the policy that “we determined it was time for America’s healthcare system to evolve with the times, and join the rest of the nation in remote work.” 

Although the decision was pushed forward by the lack of critical PPE, including masks to prevent direct infection, Michowski made it clear that this decision was in the pipeline long before the COVID-19 outbreak. 

“It’s time we revolutionize healthcare, really become futuristic. Surely European countries are handling the outbreak much better, and although we have not confirmed this, we believe it is because all medical procedures are being performed at home,” he said. 

Intubations in particular require plastic face shields, and will be the first procedure to become remote. President Trump expressed agreement with the new policy this morning: “Americans are strong, the strongest the world has ever seen. If anyone could do it, our people will intubate themselves the best and the quickest. I guarantee it.” 

Telemedicine experts are consulting doctors and nurses on how to walk patients through the intubation process, including anaesthetic, over Zoom. Jerome M. Adams, the current surgeon general, has released a tutorial over Facebook. “Just think of it like a fun game of Operation! Though uh, be sure to get the sedative timing right,” Adams says in the video.

Dr. Adams recommends practicing with your family during Thursday board game nights while in quarantine.