Chicago, IL – There continue to be new developments regarding the highly infectious novel virus, COVID-19. At first, it was said to be transmitted through person-to-person contact. Then it was found that coronavirus can survive on surfaces for several days. A Harvard study then concluded that the disease can cause patients to lose their sense of smell and taste. It was later reported that coronavirus can travel 13 feet in the air – twice as far as the social distancing guidelines – and even transmit through shoes. But a more recent study finds that COVID-19 can, in fact, steal your identity, seduce your wife, and frame you for murder.

These findings come from credible Harvard scientists John Maynard, who took 2 courses at the Harvard Extension School, and Lisa Kane, who attended a Harvard pre-college program when she was in high school. At first, there was only anecdotal evidence. One man tweeted that he tested positive for COVID-19 and just days later thousands of dollars were stolen from his bank account. Investigators identified the culprit as coronavirus only after the thief was caught buying flamethrowers and the government’s stockpile of masks. Josh Balagee from Evanston, Illinois reported that coronavirus bought his wife flowers and chocolates, listened to her when she talked, then made love to her–in their wedding bed, no less. After catching them in the act (“and trust me, the last thing you want to see is how a virus has intercourse with a human female," said Balagee), the coronavirus knocked Balagee out, brutally murdered his wife, and planted Balagee’s fingerprints all over the scene.

Once it became clear that these anecdotes were more than just a coincidence, scientists Maynard and Kane performed a controlled experiment in which they found that in a large sample of 7 people, 6 tested positive for the novel virus, and 5 of them experienced one or more of these excruciating symptoms. They also found that those aged 20-35 were more likely to experience first degree murder and manslaughter charges, while those in the 40-59 age group were more likely to have their 401K accounts brutally emptied by a burglar purported to be 70 nanometers in size.  

In response to this harrowing news, Tedros Adhanom, head of the World Health Organization, responded “We always knew that this virus was much more dangerous than its predecessors. We just never expected it to be as intelligent as a sentient being and, all told, an absolute ruffian.”

Amidst these new developments, the public is taking appropriate precautions. Many Americans have emptied their bank accounts and are now storing their cash under their mattresses or using it as toilet paper in light of the toilet paper shortage (talk about wiping their assets). In addition, to avoid marital conflict, couples are giving their partners “hall passes,” which allow them to sleep with people/organisms/viroids/prions outside of their marriage.

Adhamom added, “As difficult as this news may be, it’s critical for people to not panic. We are now equipped with the knowledge needed to develop treatment. Plus, things really can’t get much worse than this.”

At press time, a new study revealed that coronavirus, combined with a dash of Pepsi, forms a nuclear bomb.