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Hey South Dakota, Why Can't We Make This Work?

BISMARCK, ND—I can’t say this is easy for me. Or that I haven’t had my fair share of sleepless nights thinking about what this might mean. But I have to listen to my heart on this one: South Dakota, let’s get back together.

It hasn’t been easy for me since our last fight in 1889. I shouldn't have been so arrogant, so wrong about making Bismarck our capital. Ever since, I have been a wreck. Recently I started fracking, and the physical toll it has taken has been awful. I’m falling apart—the doctors have said I have four sinkholes down south already.

Trump Hires Sabrina the Teenage Witch as Legal Counsel for Mueller’s “Witch Hunt”

WASHINGTON, D.C.—President Donald Trump recently added Sabrina the Teenage Witch to his legal counsel as he wards off a "witch hunt."
"Robert Mueller is out of control," Press Secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders explained. "And if there's anyone who knows how to get out of a pickle, it's the quirky yet relatable protagonist who had to make herself reappear in time for the dance after giving herself a disappearing potion in season 4, episode 13."

Wattpad Author Thrilled to Finally See Canon Support for Trump x Kanye Fanfiction


BUENA PARK, CA — As Kanye West’s pro-Trump Twitter activity galvanized public interest this week, Hannah K. Smith—also known by her online alias, xX1D_LUVR89Xx—was ecstatic about newfound support for the Trump x Kanye fanfiction she has been writing for years.

“This is definitely support that my ship is 100% canon. I’ve known since 2009, when Trump tweeted about the VMAs, that there was something between those guys,” said Smith, the author of the popular online work The West’s Wings, the tale of a forbidden relationship between West and Trump in the White House. 

Country Clubs Face Challenges Following Trump Tariffs on Towels Imported from Turkey


LAVA SPRINGS — The Trump administration announced new tariffs on towels imported from Turkey today, leaving those wanting fabulous wanting more this summer. The move came as part of the White House’s continual trade war to support domestic manufacturing.

“The American people have had enough of sticking to the status quo,” White House Press Secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders said in a statement. “This really is the start of something new.”

The news was met with excitement on Wall Street. One investor described their textile-based portfolio as “Soaring! Flying!”

Artillery Experts Say America’s Queer Cannon Needs an Update

queer cannon

WASHINGTON, D.C. – Patrick Shanahan, deputy secretary of the Department of Defense, announced this week that America’s historic queer cannon is in need of a makeover. The cannon, which has been around since the Civil War, has exploded in public approval over the past few years after receiving fiery opposition for several centuries.

Report: 92% of Americans Believe “Bolivia” Just Misspelling of Girl’s Name


ANYTOWN, USA — A recent study from the Pew Research Center discovered that 92% of Americans believe "Bolivia" is just "Olivia" but slightly misspelled.

Concluding that the “B” must be silent, a hefty majority of survey respondents surmised that the country “Bolivia” was an alternate spelling of one of the most popular American baby names.

Karen R. Jones, one of study's interviewees, commented, "I figured it was just one of those fancy new celebrity names! If Kim Kardashian can name her kid something fake like 'Chicago,' Bolivia seems like fair game."

Four-Hour-Long Documentary About Iraq War Disappoints Marvel Fans

Marvel fanboys, superhero geeks, and Stan Lee disguised as a moviegoer piled into movie theaters around the country this week to see Marvel Studios' Avengers: Infinity War. Though the film had been touted as the epic climax to the Marvel Cinematic Universe, moviegoers were disappointed to discover that it was just a four-hour-long documentary about the American invasion of Iraq.

Tables Turn on Fifth Graders with New Game Show “We Bet You’re Not as Smart as an Adult, You Smug Little Asshole”

5th grade

LOS ANGELES, CA — This past Wednesday, Fox announced the launch of a new game show, We Bet You're Not as Smart as an Adult, You Smug Little Asshole.

The show is a spin-off of the popular game show Are You Smarter Than a Fifth Grader?, in which adults are quizzed with questions from a fifth grade textbook. The new show puts the fifth graders in the hot seat.

Black Police Officer Feels He Has No Choice but to Call Police on Self

Police Car

LOS ANGELES, CA — On Monday, Terrence C. Jones, an LAPD police officer, called fellow police officers on himself. During his daily 3:00 p.m. bathroom break, Jones looked up from washing his hands, and the mirror above the sink proved him guilty on an unmistakable crime: existing while black.

“When I was a kid, my parents gave me ‘the talk’ about racism and police brutality so I could try to protect myself,” Jones said. “They told me to how to dress and how to speak, but they didn’t prepare me for the day I’d have to call the police on myself.” 

Rubinoff Announces New “Cigarettes” Flavor

Rubinoff bottle

MOSCOW, IDAHO — On Tuesday, budget vodka giant Rubinoff announced a collaboration with Marlboro to produce an addition to Rubinoff's extensive flavor collection: “Cigarettes.”

“We’ve already established a market as the drink of choice for fraternity members and broke college freshmen, and we’ve been looking to expand into a new market,” explained head of marketing Vladislav Jones. “This flavor is for sensitive, angsty, ‘starving artist’ types."