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Harvard Undergraduate Council

Trump Resigns After Winning Joke Campaign; Sietse Goffard Appointed VP

WASHINGTON, DC--Following a stunning victory on November 8, president-elect Donald J. Trump dropped another bombshell earlier today when he announced his intent to resign from the position immediately.

“THANK YOU AMERICA,” the real-estate and media mogul tweeted at 3:45 AM. “Incredible + unbelievable support. Together we will #MAGA. But it’s time for me to focus on Trump TV."

UC To Spend Emergency Funds On Only Food Worse Than HUDS Strike Food

CAMBRIDGE, MA--In a landmark decision, the Harvard Undergraduate Council voted 214-1 to spend $1,100 of their Emergency Fund on Costco sandwiches for students. The sandwiches, which Costco advertises as "a wonderful serving of chicken mayo, egg mayo, roast beef and cheese, and ham and cheese sandwiches," is intended to provide a college-wide "healthy" study break for students sometime this week.

Low-Hanging Fruit: Crimson Staff Writer Comes up with Perfect Berry Pun for Brain Break Article

CAMBRIDGE, MA—Last night, at approximately 1:30 AM EST, Billy P. Yates ’19 was frantically searching for the cherry of a headline to top off his Brain Break article. Thrilled to report on the seedy UC berry debate, his Adam’s apple quivered as he struggled to pick a sweet berry pun. 
"This is the last straw," the writer rasped. "I'd fight for this newspaper till I was black and blue, but trying to find a pun is boysening the article.”

Harvard Undergraduate Council Plunged Into Crisis After Securitas Coup