Look, here are some pears. I picked them up at the grocery store yesterday, and...and...hold on. What's the matter?

 

What, are these not autumnal enough for you?

 

Oh, I see. They're just pears, right? I'll have you know that Bosc and Comice pears are in season from fall through winter, so that sounds pretty goddamn autumnal to me.

 

Yeah, I could have gotten some pumpkins. Maybe even some fresh-picked apples. But I bought the damn pears and I'm sticking with them on principle.

 

CAMBRIDGE, MA—Last night, at approximately 1:30 AM EST, Billy P. Yates ’19 was frantically searching for the cherry of a headline to top off his Brain Break article. Thrilled to report on the seedy UC berry debate, his Adam’s apple quivered as he struggled to pick a sweet berry pun. 

 

"This is the last straw," the writer rasped. "I'd fight for this newspaper till I was black and blue, but trying to find a pun is boysening the article.”