and entering

Harvard Undergraduate Council Plunged Into Crisis After Securitas Coup

Cambridge, MA-- Members of the Harvard community awoke this morning to the shocking sight of Securitas tanks rolling through the yard. It was soon apparent that this operation was part of the organisation’s attempt to take over the university, in response to the power vacuum that had emerged in the Undergraduate Council (UC) after the recent electoral victory, and subsequent resignation plans, of Sam Clark and Gus Mayopolous.

Securitas spokesman, Isabelle el-Sisi (who may or may not be related to the head of the Egyptian Armed Forces, Abdel Fattah el-Sisi) issued a press statement to The Crimson from her newly established presidential office in the SOCH, declaring that Securitas had no choice but to “temporarily adopt a larger role in Harvard’s governance, in order to ensure that this fragile democracy does not fall prey to its own dysfunction.” Sisi further stated that the UC had been temporarily dissolved, and a transitional roadmap for the return to democracy was being drawn up by the newly-established Supreme Council of Securitas. In response to claims that Securitas had subverted democracy at Harvard by dissolving the UC, Sisi told the media, “sometimes you can’t make an omelette without breaking a few resumes.”

World leaders and international organisations have urged Securitas to relinquish power as soon as possible in order to ensure the survival of democracy at Harvard. President Obama, the European Union, and the Japanese parliament have all issued statements expressing “deep concern” over recent events at Harvard. However, a small number of states, led by Saudi Arabia and Uzbekistan, congratulated Securitas for the restoration of order at Harvard, and look forward to working with the new regime.  Algerian President Abdelaziz Bouteflika stated that the new administration could finally eradicate the persistent menace of people riding bikes through the Yard, in reference to the Securitas decree that perpetrators of this crime would henceforth be executed. Meanwhile, the fungus community of Harvard Yard have declared, through their spokesman Donald Pfister, their indifference to the situation.

Members of the former UC were unavailable for comment, having either been arrested by the Supreme Council of Securitas, or still reeling from shock at the amount of attention the UC was now receiving. 

© 2013