By Mike Pence

There has been a great deal of hubbub in recent days regarding the rules I live my life by: dining with no woman besides my wife, only going to events with alcohol if my wife is present, showering only in the auspicious blessings of my wife. Well there is a simple reason for that—you cannot control The Python.

ST. LOUIS, MO – At Vice President Mike Pence's recent speech at a vandalized Jewish cemetery, Trump supporters in the crowd were unsure how to react as Pence said something civil.

Scattered cheers and chants were heard from the crowd, but uncomfortable silence predominated when Pence started denouncing anti-Semitism.

WASHINGTON, D.C.—Vice President Mike Pence has finally released the fart he has been holding in for seven years.

At a breakfast for small business owners this Friday, Pence paused in the middle of assuring attendees that the President does not intend to declare war on Australia. He furrowed his eyebrows, looked pensively at his shoes, and let a big one rip. 

WASHINGTON, DC--Following a stunning victory on November 8, president-elect Donald J. Trump dropped another bombshell earlier today when he announced his intent to resign from the position immediately.

“THANK YOU AMERICA,” the real-estate and media mogul tweeted at 3:45 AM. “Incredible + unbelievable support. Together we will #MAGA. But it’s time for me to focus on Trump TV."