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Harvard

Class of 2019: By The Numbers, A Month Later

CAMBRIDGE, MA -- A month ago, the Crimson’s released “Class of 2019: By the Numbers.” The start of freshman year can be a turbulent time, so SatireV polled the freshman class once more to see what has changed since opening days.

Class Makeup and Admissions 

Freshman Narrowly Prevents Parents Seeing Beer-Filled Room

Jacob P. Rocha ’19 narrowly managed to avoid showing his parents his beer-filled dorm room this Parents Weekend, maintaining their belief that the 18-year-old freshman has yet to ever consume alcohol.

Parent Has Forgotten Name of Freshman Child

Cambridge, MA—At the opening of Freshman Parents’ Weekend on Friday, local parent Elizabeth Hermann forgot the name of her son, Jordan Hermann ’19.

“Hi there, um, Greg?” she said upon meeting her 19-year-old child next to the parents’ welcome booth.

When Jordan corrected her mistake, she replied, “Oh, of course. Of course. It’s crazy, I’m meeting so many new people, it’s so hard to keep track.” She went on to explain to her offspring that he looked so different from his Facebook photo.

Student Asks Professor to Faculty Dinner “Just As Friends”

CAMBRIDGE, MA--In an occurrence that sources are describing as even more awkward than his recent request for an extension 9 hours before a paper was due, local undergraduate Noah Richardson '18 is reported to have asked his SLS 20 professor, Dr. Daniel Gilbert, to the Dunster House Faculty Dinner "just, like, as friends."

Executive Vice President Katie Lapp Trapped Under Pile of Leaves

Cambridge, MA—According to a recent email sent out to students, faculty, and staff, Harvard University executive vice president Katie Lapp has been trapped in a pile of leaves.

Thousands Coming for Head of the Charles

Everywhere around Cambridge and Boston, thousands of people are coming right now to see the enormous Head of the Charles. The visitors, fit to burst from simply seeing the Head of the Charles, are visibly tense in their anticipation for this time-treasured event.

Announcing the President's Challenge 2016: A Duel with Drew Faust and Alan Garber

Dear Members of the Harvard Community,

Harvard to Replace Al’s Café With Tent Serving Wonder Bread

Dear members of the Harvard community,

We have received several comments about Harvard’s recent decision to remove local restaurants like Al’s Café, Oggi Gourmet, and Clover Food Lab from the Richard A. and Susan F. Smith Campus Center in light of the construction that has begun to take place. Thank you for your ideas.

Many have expressed concerns that, while construction occurs, there will be fewer local options for lunch. Therefore, we are pleased to introduce a new initiative: the Ian Assole Harvard Square Wonder Bread Lunch Tent.

The 8 Types of Section Kid

1. The Giver of Wisdom: This student knows a lot about tangentially related material. He wants you to know a lot about it too. Actually, he just wants you to know he knows a lot. If you ask him a question about the material he brought up, he’ll just namedrop more unrelated sources instead. If you ask him about those, he’ll namedrop more. Due to the finite number of texts in the English corpus, if you keep asking he’ll have to mention the assigned reading eventually, but by then section’s already over.   

BREAKING: Lowell Bell Ringers Learn New Song

Cambridge, MA--After twenty fucking years of playing the same goddamn shit, Harvard's illustrious Lowell Bell Ringers have learned a new song.

"Though we really love butchering 'Lord of the Dance' to the point of unrecognizablity,we decided there are other obscure biblical hymns out there to disturb the peace of the day with," explained sophomore and inconsiderate asshole James Russell.

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