SatireV

Breaking

and entering

Freshman Narrowly Prevents Parents Seeing Beer-Filled Room

The Suite's Common Room

Jacob P. Rocha ’19 narrowly managed to avoid showing his parents his beer-filled dorm room this Parents Weekend, maintaining their belief that the 18-year-old freshman has yet to ever consume alcohol.

His parents Jim and Carol Rocha, here for Freshman Parents Weekend, were returning to Harvard Yard with Jacob after dinner at Toscano, when the wide-eyed first-year remembered with a fright that in the common room of his Weld suite were scattered no less than three empty cans of Keystone Light. Thinking quickly, Jacob frantically diverted his parents to take a family photo on the steps of Widener Library. This gave his suitemate Wilson M. Park ’19 enough time to covertly carry those empties out to the hallway bathroom, clearing the common room of all evidence of alcohol use.

Jim and Carol expressed pleasure at the fact that he seemed to be “settling in well” and “getting his bearings.” His mother noted that his dorm room was surprisingly clean, and his father added that he seemed to be “really putting academics first.”

“I just hope he’s making friends,” Carol said after a pause. “It doesn’t seem like he or his roommates are drinking at all.” “Which is fine, of course,” she quickly added with a half-hearted smile. “But it’s okay to have a little responsible fun if he wants to!”

“Most kids start experimenting with drugs and alcohol around this time,” Jim continued. “Jacob’s never been most kids, though, I suppose...”

At press time, the proud parents have not yet begun making subtle, concerned inquiries into Jacob’s dating life in college so far. When asked what he would say, Jacob responded that he would “definitely not” tell them about the girl he almost made out with at First Chance Dance earlier this semester.

 

Image Source: The Bouqs Company

© 2015
Category: