Dear Members of the Harvard Community:

As I approach the end of my tenure as Harvard President, I must confess there is one problem I thought I’d never solve. For years, social norms against robberies from communal fridges have discouraged me from descending down to the basement of Conan O’Brian’s freshman dorm to get the one thing I truly desire: cheddar cheese.

Each Easter, America buys 700 million of my marshmallow friends, and 699 million of us meet a slow and painful death in a microwave. 22 billion precious calories are lost to the radioactive wasteland of microwaves every year. Enough is enough. We've been too sweet to you people.

In addition to the new flavored water machines, students returning to campus after winter break were also greeted by flavored food in many of Harvard’s undergraduate dining halls.

The new food choices are part of Harvard University Dining Services’ efforts to expand beyond the dependable, if one-dimensional, flavor of dry chicken breast, according to HUDS spokesperson Mary Culver.

“We hope to introduce the subtleties of flavor to the masses: earthy depths, smoky edginess, and revolutionary harmonies of taste sensation,” said Culver. “Or just taste in general.”

CAMBRIDGE, MA – As a result of the closure of Kirkland House Dining Hall and subsequent relocation of House Residents to Winthrop, estranged linkmates Sarah Johnson ’17 and James Caldwell ’17 were forced to encounter each other for the first time in 11 months.  After accidentally making eye contact across the Red Spice Chicken in the servery, the pair decided to spend the next hour “catching up.”

Dear members of the Harvard community,

We have received several comments about Harvard’s recent decision to remove local restaurants like Al’s Café, Oggi Gourmet, and Clover Food Lab from the Richard A. and Susan F. Smith Campus Center in light of the construction that has begun to take place. Thank you for your ideas.

Many have expressed concerns that, while construction occurs, there will be fewer local options for lunch. Therefore, we are pleased to introduce a new initiative: the Ian Assole Harvard Square Wonder Bread Lunch Tent.

Sandra Changas, President of the Food Literacy Project, spoke out Thursday against budget cuts targeting the FLP.

 “The Food Literacy Project has made great strides in educating produce, regardless of gender, creed, or color of peel.   And while crop-based literacy has been our foundation, it’s no longer enough: everyone knows that in today’s world, a potato needs at least a college education.”