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My Will to Live is Sustained Solely by HUDS Cookie Bars

brownie bars

I’m not an unreasonable person.  I even consider myself an optimist.  I try to see the good in every bad situation, the light at the end of the tunnel.  Which is why, at this point, the entirety of my will to live is riding on the existence of HUDS cookie bars.

In Bid for Relevance, HUDS Introduces Millennial Pink Spice Chicken

THE DINING HALLS — In a clear bid for relevance, Harvard University Dining Services announced on Friday the addition of a new entree item, Millennial Pink Spice Chicken. Building on the popularity of Red Spice Chicken, HUDS will roll out the dish for lunches next semester.
"The internet told us that millennial pink is what the kids are into these days," said one HUDS chef. "When we find something that students seem to like, we take it and run as far as we can with it. That's why we started community night when that NBC show hit it big."

Report: Most Shameful Moment of Life Telling HUDS Worker You Broke Dish

CAMBRIDGE, MA – A new study released by Harvard psychologists indicates that telling a HUDS worker that you broke a dish is unequivocally the most shameful moment of your life.
The study, published in Nature, confirms the basic instincts of just about every student who has ever dropped a plate and had to inform a busy dining hall worker that they have to sweep up broken glass in addition to doing their regular job.

HUDS Opens New BoardPlus Location Behind Elaborate Obstacle Course

Cambridge, MA — Harvard University Dining Services recently announced the opening of a new BoardPlus café, conveniently located behind an elaborate obstacle course.

Flyby Investigates: HUDS Catch of the Day

If you've ever been to the dining hall (sometimes called the "d-hall"), you've probably been served "catch of the day." We here at Flyby know you're curious: what kind of fish is in the "catch of the day"? How does HUDS catch these fish? What's the deal with HUDS food, right?

We here at Flyby are curious too, so we decided to investigate: 

You Think I Give a Single Shit About What House You’re From?

Currier DHall

I see you coming up with your ID card ready, all excited for the cornucopia of delicious food we’ve prepared for you all. And I can see in your heart, you’re thinking “You know, I hope I’ll be able to eat here at Currier DHall tonight, even though I live in Leverett House.” Well let me tell you, here at Currier DHall we’re inclusive as fuck. Let me swipe that shit right through this machine and let you take your tray, young man.

Eliot HUDS Swiper Hired as Fly Bouncer

CAMBRIDGE, MA — The former HUDS Swiper for Eliot house, Maria L. Winston, has just been hired as the new bouncer for the Fly club. Winston, age 43, has been the Eliot house swiper for the past seven years. She described the decision to leave and move to the Fly as “initially difficult, although I’m excited for the opportunity to exclude all sorts of new people."

List of Things that Didn't Last As Long as the HUDS Strike

As the HUDS workers' strike comes to an end, Satire V has compiled a list of things that didn't last nearly as long:

HUDS Strikers Build Guillotine in Harvard Square

Cambridge, MA – Following the arrests of 11 Union members last weekend, Harvard Dining Hall Strikers are raising the stakes, quite literally, by setting out stakes for the scalps of the HMC Bourgeoisie and constructing a makeshift guillotine between CVS and CVS.

“We didn’t think, when we put this part in the strike plan, it would ever actually get that far,” Union Leader James Gregson told us. “To be honest, it was kind of suggested as a joke. But we need to show the university we’re serious, and this seemed like the most logical next step.”

Dean Dingman Hands Out Wrong Batch of Brownies to Striking Workers

CAMBRIDGE, MA -- Though Local 26 and the Harvard Management Corporation have yet to negotiate a new contract, the first few days of the HUDS strike have not been without their share of drama. A low point was reached at lunchtime today, as Harvard Dean of Freshman Thomas A. "Tommy D" Dingman '67 accidentally distributed the wrong batch of homemade brownies to striking HUDS workers.
"Aww fuck, dude," the self-proclaimed Dean of Phresh was heard exclaiming as he saw protesters asking each other if they've ever "looked at swai, like, really looked at it."