Is your hair curly? Do you wish it were straighter? Have no fear—these four hair straighteners will make your hair so straight that it’ll decide to pursue men at the Fly.

Sure, you’re a junior. Sure, you really have no business being at the Fly. Sure, the members perpetuate socioeconomic elitism and talk over you in section. But with strands this straight, your tresses will be pining for the boys at the Fly on a Friday night as “Mr. Brightside” blares over the speakers and some drunk guy hits on a freshman from BU in the corner.

CAMBRIDGE, MA — The former HUDS Swiper for Eliot house, Maria L. Winston, has just been hired as the new bouncer for the Fly club. Winston, age 43, has been the Eliot house swiper for the past seven years. She described the decision to leave and move to the Fly as “initially difficult, although I’m excited for the opportunity to exclude all sorts of new people."