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Breaking

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our imminent destruction

Godzilla “Pretty Bummed” No One Heard His Destruction of Boston Over Lowell Bells

godzilla

If recent polling data are to be believed, not a single resident of the whole municipality of the Greater Boston Area reports any memory of the landfall of the thousand-foot-walking-nuclear-reactor that is Godzilla this past Sunday, due to not being able to hear a thing, nor process any sensory information whatsoever, over the concrete-permeating, crescendoing fever dream that is the Lowell Bells.

Stop Microwaving Us - Or Else

Each Easter, America buys 700 million of my marshmallow friends, and 699 million of us meet a slow and painful death in a microwave. 22 billion precious calories are lost to the radioactive wasteland of microwaves every year. Enough is enough. We've been too sweet to you people.