and entering

Executive Vice President Katie Lapp Trapped Under Pile of Leaves

Lapp, who has just about had it with autumnal revelry.

Cambridge, MA—According to a recent email sent out to students, faculty, and staff, Harvard University executive vice president Katie Lapp has been trapped in a pile of leaves.

“Dear members of the Harvard community,” reads the email, which was sent over the campus-notify email listserv, “Happy fall! I was walking through campus yesterday, enjoying the brisk autumn breeze and inspecting trees limbs in danger of falling down, when I accidentally stepped into a pile of leaves that had not yet been cleared. To my chagrin, the leaves masked a deep well, and, like Alice in Wonderland, I plummeted down into a subterranean cavern, followed by several leaves and a squirrel that had been taking a nap in them.”

Lapp, who supervises the financial, administrative, human resources, campus services, planning and project management, development in Allston, health services, information technology, and diversity functions of the University, then landed with a thud. Peering around the corner, she found herself at the entrance to a tunnel, from which was emanating a strange, orange light. As she followed the eerie glow, she passed underneath an archway emblazoned with the faded phrase “Satire V: Holding a Mirror Up to Truth” and a pile of skeletons.

Soon she arrived at the source of the orange glow: a flickering torch, held by former Dean of the College Evelynn Hammonds. “Who is that who passes there?” whispered the former administrator and current Barbara Gutmann Rosenkrantz Professor of the History of Science and Professor of African and African American Studies, gazing around blindly. “Have you, too, been banished to the netherworld? Do you have a cell phone with email?” Frightened, Lapp raced away down the tunnel, until she was too exhausted to go farther.

“It is damp and cold here, and I’m beginning to sniffle. However, we will continue to closely monitor the forecast,” added Lapp in her email. “Should weather conditions warrant schedule changes, we will distribute information through MessageMe and email.  Updates will also be posted to the Harvard Emergency page and 866-496-NEWS.”  The message was promptly sent again by the FAS Emergency Notification System and by Leslie Kirwan, Dean for Administration and Finance at the Faculty of Arts and Sciences; Stephen Lassonde, Harvard College Dean of Student Life; all 12 House administrators; and several local baristas on a smoke break.

Harvard authorities are currently searching for Lapp by entering in the basement of every building on campus, opening an air duct, and shouting, “Katie!”


© 2015