Dear members of the Harvard community,

We have received several comments about Harvard’s recent decision to remove local restaurants like Al’s Café, Oggi Gourmet, and Clover Food Lab from the Richard A. and Susan F. Smith Campus Center in light of the construction that has begun to take place. Thank you for your ideas.

Many have expressed concerns that, while construction occurs, there will be fewer local options for lunch. Therefore, we are pleased to introduce a new initiative: the Ian Assole Harvard Square Wonder Bread Lunch Tent.

1. The Giver of Wisdom: This student knows a lot about tangentially related material. He wants you to know a lot about it too. Actually, he just wants you to know he knows a lot. If you ask him a question about the material he brought up, he’ll just namedrop more unrelated sources instead. If you ask him about those, he’ll namedrop more. Due to the finite number of texts in the English corpus, if you keep asking he’ll have to mention the assigned reading eventually, but by then section’s already over.   

Cambridge, MA--After twenty fucking years of playing the same goddamn shit, Harvard's illustrious Lowell Bell Ringers have learned a new song.

"Though we really love butchering 'Lord of the Dance' to the point of unrecognizablity,we decided there are other obscure biblical hymns out there to disturb the peace of the day with," explained sophomore and inconsiderate asshole James Russell.

When I was a student at the Salisbury School, a private suburban school in South-Central-South-West-Northerly Ohio, I took a lot for granted. My school newspaper, in particular, is something I should have appreciated more.

CAMBRIDGE, MA – Due to amaizeingly high interest and lack of space, the Harvard Community Garden has decided to bale on Farmal. “It was a chard decision,” said event organizer Brock Lee '17. 

Cambridge, MA – Last Sunday, 14 female students signed up to audition for the Hasty Pudding Theatricals, an annual burlesque drag musical, in protest of the all-male cast. 

“We hear the protests and realize that times are changing. The Hasty Pudding is proud to respond to these calls by meeting with the fathers of the auditioning women,” said Andrew Marble, a leader of the grad board. 

Cambridge, MA—According to a recent email sent out to students, faculty, and staff, Harvard University executive vice president Katie Lapp has been trapped in an interminable maze of used cardboard boxes.