Dear Harvard College students,

I hope that each of you is having a wonderful summer break, whether you are interning, conducting research, studying abroad, or simply spending well-deserved time at home, away from the stresses of academic tasks. You all merit some time to relax and recharge, as iPhones or electric razors do. 

Cambridge, MA--According to a recent email sent out to the students, faculty, and staff, Katie Lapp, Executive Vice President of Harvard University, is currently trapped underneath a pile of mulch somewhere in the greater Boston area.

“There you go,” said Wendell Pritchard '16, gently placing a single room-temperature Harvard University Dining Services muffin next to the motionless bundle of blankets huddled inside a doorway on the stretch of Plympton Street between Bow and Mt. Auburn. “That’ll make it all better.”

Pritchard allegedly grabbed the muffin on his way out of Quincy dining hall this morning “just kind of without thinking,” only to later realize that he was too full of bacon “to even consider taking a bite.”

Caligula’s bacchanalian orgies. Hugh Hefner’s extravagant blowouts. Satire V’s “Glam Rock” kickback last Saturday (8pm to 10pm). Such parties are the stuff of legend. Passed down in scandalous whispers from generation to generation. And this reporter was lucky enough to score an invite.

Nicholas Brixby, class of 2016, has reportedly discovered the only “tasteful” joke in existence relating Aaron Hernandez’s former position as a tight end for the New England Patriots to his imminent status as a high-security prison inmate.

In a successful attempt to get past the Divest Harvard blockade of her office, on Tuesday morning Harvard President Drew G. Faust covered herself in crude oil and ran through the crowd of protesters.

“We tried to stop her, but we couldn’t get a good hold on her,” lamented Divest Harvard co-coordinator Talia Rothstein ’17. “She was just too damn slippery.”

"We didn't even notice her before it was too late," added another protester, who asked to remain anonymous. "She was like a shadow. An oily, oily shadow."

It's time to talk about dismantling Harvard. Its existence is premised on exclusivity, which is central to its role in the American social landscape. Being a Harvard student signifies fitting into an elite social circle that rejects subpar classmates. Only abolition of Harvard will show true commitment to inclusion and respect.

In an effort to speed up the notoriously slow pace of the game, Major League Baseball recently announced some changes to its pace of play rules, such as mandating that batters keep at least one foot in the batter’s box, timing pitching changes, a quickly returning to play after TV commercials. MLB hopes this will alleviate its increasing average game length in order to attract and retain more viewers. 

Harvard lingo is sometimes hard to pick up on. Below, Satire V has provided a list of common phrases you'll hear on campus and what they really mean.

I'm too busy to hang out.

I want to spend the next three hours on buzzfeed hating myself.

We should get a meal sometime soon. 

Let’s never get a meal.

I’m just too busy to have a relationship. 

I am too busy until I find someone that can meet my incredibly high standards. 

On Monday Martha Coakley suffered yet another loss as former Massachusetts Governor Deval Patrick was chosen as the speaker for Harvard’s 364th  Commencement despite Coakley’s bid for the position.

“I give up. I just give up,” said Coakley, who recently lost a bid for Massachusetts Governor and in 2010 lost a special election to fill Ted Kennedy’s U.S. Senate seat. “I’m starting to think this stuff just isn’t my forte.”