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Harvard

Local Animals Affected by Hurricane Sandy

As Hurricane Sandy ravaged the Boston area on October 29th, Harvard students hunkered down in their dorm rooms, blithely forgetting about the fortunes of the various animals who inhabit Harvard Yard. However, as it turns out, these fauna were affected just as much—if not more—than their human counterparts.

Yale University to Offer Harvard Tours

Last Wednesday, the President of Yale University, Richard Charles Levin revealed that the Yale Office of Admissions will now be providing weekly transportation to Harvard’s Cambridge campus in order to provide tours to current Yalies.

“It’s for the best,” he said in his email blast last week. Signed with “Opa Gangam Style, Dick,” the missive sanctioned the Yale Pep Club to give student-led tours of Harvard.

Freshman Confident Enough to Masturbate in Room

Brian Pollack, a freshman living in Stoughton, announced today that he was lifting his self-imposed ban on masturbating in the room he shares with fellow freshman Eric Johnson. Sources have confirmed that Pollack's newfound self-assurance stems from his improved grasp on Johnson’s habits and class schedule.

Canaday Resident Really Doesn’t Get Why Canaday Is So Bad

CAMBRIDGE, MA – Canaday resident Andrew Wong, Class of 2016, appallingly cannot seem to understand why Canaday is so bad. Despite living in freshman dormitory Canaday Hall, widely accepted as the ugliest, least comfortable, and overall most terrible dorm, Wong is confused by its “bad rap.”

Faust, Administration Implicated in Hazing Scandal

A report by the Harvard University Police Department has implicated President Drew Gilpin Faust, Dean Evelynn Hammonds, and other top administration figures in a hazing scandal that students and alumni alike are calling “disgusting” and “immature”.  

Student Overwhelmed by Amount of Witty Posters

CAMBRIDGE, MA—Eliot resident Steven G. Streidbach ’14 announced to his roommate yesterday that he was “fucking done with all of these cute, clever posters and flyers around campus, dude.”

These student-created posters, which inform the Harvard community about various events and organizations on campus, often employ humorous graphics and witticisms that Streidbach says make him “fucking sick.” Streidbach cited WHRB’s “Vinyl Club” posters and Hasty Pudding Tech’s flyers as especially egregious offenders.

A Prairie Home Without a Companion

The life of Stacey M. Kidder, ’15, is a tragic one. Everywhere she goes she is bombarded with questions – “What is your name? Where are you from?” – but one query hounds her incessantly from her most innocuous calculus class to her most scalding nightmare – “You’re from Minnesota? Where’s your Minnesotan accent?” Such an insensitive and dehumanizing question is positively repetitive. Though Stacey is tactful in her response, “Haha, I don’t know. I can imitate one pretty well, though, don’tchyaknow,” feelings of apathy and indifference simmer beneath her unperturbed demeanor.

Marijuana Club asks Members to “Throwdown”

The Green Ganja Group, Harvard’s premier stoner club, is taking comps to a new level by requiring prospective members to throw down at least one ounce in order to join. GGG realizes that this requirement might prevent some students from joining, but they hold there are many other opportunities for students to get involved, on and off campus.

Harvard Girls Enjoy Dating Comp

 Senior Jessica Morrissey of Kirkland House has many shining extracurriculars on her resume. She’s an editor of the Crimson and volunteers every weekend in Boston public schools. Still though, she says this year she plans to extend her activities into a new dimension--dating life.

“I think employers really want to see that you’re well rounded. That’s the real reason I’m planning to join a relationship this year. They want to know if you can show affection and possibly sexual desire for another human,” said Morrissey.

Harvard Basketball “Totally Fucked,” Says Coach

CAMBRIDGE, MA - The recent withdrawal of basketball co-captain and last season’s lead scorer Kyle Casey and the expected departure of co-captain Brandyn Curry have left many wondering about the future of the Harvard men’s basketball team. 

“Yeah, we’re totally fucked,” said coach Tommy Amaker. “I’m basically starting a bunch of gawky nerds and hoping for the best.”

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