and entering


Harvard Endowment Suffers $2 Billion Loss, Submerges Campus in Darkness



Cupping the flame of a Yankee Candle with her hand, Faust stumbles down the pitch-black tunnel, the cold echo of her footsteps ringing in her ears. She is trembling, but whether due to temperature or terror, she can’t tell. She knew this would happen, why did she do nothing? She cannot escape her sin. No one can.


Faust: World Time to End in 2019

Dear Members of the Harvard Community,


The clock is ticking. For time, that is.

As I am sure you are aware by now, the School of Engineering and Applied Sciences will complete its move to Allston by 2020. In accordance with the second law of thermodynamics, the Office of Career Services will reach New York by 2035, Farkas Hall will exit the Laniakea Supercluster by 3010, and the particles of the Lamont Media Room will be strewn across the Hubble Deep Field by 8100. In anticipation of this campus growth, however, time itself will have to end first.

Faust Attends Stat 104 Office Hours for Help with Sexual Climate Survey Results

Saying that she was "deeply disturbed" by the results of a sexual conduct climate survey administered by the Association of American Universities last spring, Harvard President Drew Gilpin Faust reportedly visited Statistics 104 office hours this past weekend for guidance. 

Harvard University Endowment Gains Sentience

Following a 5.8% return on Harvard University’s endowment for fiscal 2015, bringing total assets to $37.6 billion, university officials have announced that the endowment has begun to show signs of consciousness. Harvard’s endowment has long been the largest of any university in the world, but until now it has lacked self-awareness, an experience of subjectivity, and the ability to feel pleasure or pain.

President Faust Ready To "Beat UC Ass"

As the leadership of the Harvard Undergraduate Council prepares for its semesterly meeting with University President Drew Gilpin Faust, the Office of the President confirmed that Faust will "beat UC ass." 

Speaking through a plastic mouthguard, President Faust reminded students that "you are exshpendable, little piecshes of shit.  Shuckle at my teat, vermin."  

Drew Faust Admits to Smoking Crack

Cambridge, MA-  After months of denying rumors that a video showed her smoking a crack pipe, Harvard President Drew Gilpin Faust has finally admitted that the rumors are true.

“Yes, I have smoked crack cocaine.  But…do I?  Am I an addict?  No,” said the crack addict.

A Message To The Community

From the Desk of President Drew Gilpin Faust:

Members of the Administration, Resident Deans, and the Faculty,

If you just opened this like I told you to, tie yourself down to whatever chair you're sitting in, because this email is going to be a rough fucking ride.

Boston Lawyer – Faust, You Made One Crucial Mistake In Handling The Cheating Scandal: Committing Five Counts of Voluntary Manslaughter

The Room is dark, shades drawn.  Sirens outside.

Well, Drew, I’ve looked over the evidence, and it ain’t pretty.  You didn’t handle this scandal very well.  Not very well at all.  

Listen, I could handle the lying.  I could handle the lying about the lying.  Heck, I could even handle setting up Dean Hammonds to take the fall for the whole mess.  Your mess. 

Lights Cigarette.

Faust, Administration Implicated in Hazing Scandal

A report by the Harvard University Police Department has implicated President Drew Gilpin Faust, Dean Evelynn Hammonds, and other top administration figures in a hazing scandal that students and alumni alike are calling “disgusting” and “immature”.