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Lassonde Announces Free Quincy Storage "Up Your Own Ass"

Cambridge, MA--- In what he calls “an exciting development,” Dean of Student Life Stephen Lassonde has announced a solution to the conundrum posed by the recent renovation of Quincy House under which, until today, students would not have been provided with free on-campus summer storage space.

“In light of the outpouring of concern we’ve received from Quincy undergraduates,” the dean revealed in a house-wide email, “the OSL has engineered a cost-free strategy to continue to provide students with the same amenities afforded to the remainder of the College.”

President Faust Ready To "Beat UC Ass"

As the leadership of the Harvard Undergraduate Council prepares for its semesterly meeting with University President Drew Gilpin Faust, the Office of the President confirmed that Faust will "beat UC ass." 

Speaking through a plastic mouthguard, President Faust reminded students that "you are exshpendable, little piecshes of shit.  Shuckle at my teat, vermin."