and entering

Lassonde Announces Free Quincy Storage "Up Your Own Ass"

Cambridge, MA--- In what he calls “an exciting development,” Dean of Student Life Stephen Lassonde has announced a solution to the conundrum posed by the recent renovation of Quincy House under which, until today, students would not have been provided with free on-campus summer storage space.

“In light of the outpouring of concern we’ve received from Quincy undergraduates,” the dean revealed in a house-wide email, “the OSL has engineered a cost-free strategy to continue to provide students with the same amenities afforded to the remainder of the College.”

He linked the students to, a startup enterprise spearheaded by Mr. Lassonde himself. The website describes a storage solution with which it claims students are already intimately familiar, as evidenced by its banner slogan of “You Know Where to Put It.”

“In the end, it was a pretty obvious epiphany,” the email went on in a brief explanation of the origins of the measure. “I was taking a minute to ponder where all of the justifications I was making to the student body about the university’s inability to fund off-campus alternative storage were coming from, and then I thought, ‘Eureka! There’s plenty of space in there!’” 

Under the new scheme, Quincy residents will not only be allotted a space that matches the simple, intuitive nature they had enjoyed in the past, but one so versatile that students, regardless of their travel plans, can access their belongings during the summer at any time. 

Continued Lassonde: “For those students requiring greater than average storage space for their items over the summer, you can just contact [sophomore] Dale [Rivers], am I right? I kid, I kid.”

The announcement concluded by preempting any students’ requests for financial aid adjustments should they find the new storage program unsatisfactory, stating that the dean had already “got your adjustments right here.” Lassonde then noted he had grabbed his crotch while typing the previous sentence.


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