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harvard endowment

A Tale of Two Endowments

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Is Harvard’s endowment underperforming? That’s the question members of the Harvard Management Company face after years of unsatisfactory growth from its investment appendage. University President Drew Faust repeatedly characterized the endowment as “disappointing.” “We just can’t get off on -2% returns,” remarks Faust.

Harvard Endowment Suffers $2 Billion Loss, Submerges Campus in Darkness



Cupping the flame of a Yankee Candle with her hand, Faust stumbles down the pitch-black tunnel, the cold echo of her footsteps ringing in her ears. She is trembling, but whether due to temperature or terror, she can’t tell. She knew this would happen, why did she do nothing? She cannot escape her sin. No one can.


Harvard Endowment Bellows Disapproval as Faust Begs for HUDS Workers’ Rights


*The following is a transcript of secret surveillance footage gathered from the deep underground chamber below Mass Hall.

“UNACCEPTABLE,” roars the Harvard Endowment, globs of crude oil spurting from the corners of its enormous, mangled frown.

A trembling and prostrate Drew Faust shudders at the horrifying sound. She lifts her head up from the cold stone floor, just enough to gaze upon the monstrosity created by the folly of her and generations of predecessors.