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Climate Change

The Only FOMO I Have is the Fear Of McLimate O'Change

ice melting

Sharks. Heart Disease. An elderly clown fellating a banana in the Cambridge Queen’s Head Pub. I cannot deny that these things are frightening. But has your measly primate brain grasped for a singular moment the fact that the entire planet will literally die in a generation or two? Forget missing out; the only FOMO I have is the fear of McLimate O'Change. 

Area Man Unsure Whether Drastic Action Necessary Against Golgamor, Eater of Worlds

Global warming

WASHINGTON, DC — Area man Mike Jacobson pondered aloud the necessity of drastic action in his home office yesterday, as the monstrous shadow of Golgamor, Eater of Worlds, Bringer of Death, Crusher of a Thousand Stars, began to eclipse the sun. 

As the ground began to quake with the footsteps of the primordial superbeing now exhumed from His resting place beneath the sands of time, Jacobson wondered whether it was worth the risk to pursue an extreme plan of action.

Trump Pulls Out, Leaving World in Sticky Situation

Despite fervent opposition from his daughter Ivanka and his son-in-law Jared Kushner, Donald Trump announced his intention to pull out at a ceremony at the White House Rose Garden earlier today.  Trump also pledged to stop providing stimulus to the other 194 participants that came together at Paris two years ago. Trump’s decision represents the climax of months of friction within Trump’s administration, and is a big victory for chief White House strategist Steve Bannon, who had been putting increasing pressure on Trump to pull out.

I’m Not As Bad As Global Warming

Dear America,

Please read this. I know you guys don’t like me, but we have to work together. It is widely known that I hate America, but you should know that I love polar bears more. I know I’ve killed a lot of people-- but have you heard that more than 20,000 polar bears have died from climate change? I swear, America, I'm not as bad as global warming.

Paris Climate Talks Begin, End, After Tree Planting Ceremony Signals Commitment to Saving Environment

Expressing their desire to tackle climate change seriously, world leaders commenced climate talks in Paris on Sunday with a ceremonial tree planting. Presidents, prime ministers, and ministers of environmental affairs from around the world waved lighters in the air and sang “Colors of the Wind” from the Disney movie Pocahontas, while U.S. President Barack Obama, British Prime Minister David Cameron, and Russian President Vladimir Putin had the honor of putting the sapling in a hole in the ground and patting dirt on its roots.

Drew Faust Covers Herself in Crude Oil, Slips Past Divest Harvard Protesters

In a successful attempt to get past the Divest Harvard blockade of her office, on Tuesday morning Harvard President Drew G. Faust covered herself in crude oil and ran through the crowd of protesters.

“We tried to stop her, but we couldn’t get a good hold on her,” lamented Divest Harvard co-coordinator Talia Rothstein ’17. “She was just too damn slippery.”

"We didn't even notice her before it was too late," added another protester, who asked to remain anonymous. "She was like a shadow. An oily, oily shadow."

In Wake of Hell Freezing Over, Faust Calls Climate Change Panel

Cambridge, MA--Following the news that Hell, a region known for temperatures upwards of 1,000,000°F, has completely frozen over, an occurrence that leading meteorologists around the globe are describing as “super scary and shit,” Harvard University President Drew Gilpin Faust has announced that the school will be hosting a panel on climate change this coming April.

Jon Huntsman Struck By Lightning After Addressing Climate Change

CAMBRIDGE, MA- Jon Huntsman is in critical condition after reportedly being struck by lightning during a John F. Kennedy Jr. Forum event.

After a Kennedy School student posed a question about combatting global warming, Huntsman joked, “As a Republican, I might get struck by lightning for talking about this!”