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In Wake of Hell Freezing Over, Faust Calls Climate Change Panel

"To be honest, what difference can we make if we choose to divest?" said Faust. "We're just a tiny, $36.4 billion corporation.”

Cambridge, MA--Following the news that Hell, a region known for temperatures upwards of 1,000,000°F, has completely frozen over, an occurrence that leading meteorologists around the globe are describing as “super scary and shit,” Harvard University President Drew Gilpin Faust has announced that the school will be hosting a panel on climate change this coming April.

“Given that Hell has now completely frozen over, a sign that either the end of times is fast approaching or that manmade COemissions are unquestionably causing long-term damage to even those ecosystems that, like Hell’s, were previously thought to be immune to hope, joy, or external weather patterns, I see no choice but to acknowledge the concerns of environmental groups on campus and convene this panel,” President Faust announced in a press statement. 

“However,” she concluded, “I would like to remind my colleagues that divesting from Big Lust and the gluttony industry is neither advisable nor warranted, as such actions will only damage Hell’s economy further."

Following Faust’s about-face, the members of Divest Harvard have announced that they now deny the existence of man-made climate change and demand that the university invest its entire endowment in dirty energy.

© 2015