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Treebola Outbreak Spreads Rapidly through the Northeast

Cambridge, MA- The dreaded disease treebola has reached the United States. Health officials have urged the public not to panic, while emphasizing the severity of the crisis. “Several acres have reportedly been infected, the air around them has gotten chillier, and we have already begun to quarantine all infected trees in the region,“ said Dr. Margaret Chan of the World Health Organization. “We have never seen anything of this magnitude.”

Symptoms of the disease include: blood red leaf hemorrhaging, pumpkin-flavored everything, subconscious apple picking, scarf and flannel wearing, and widespread fear mongering by the media.

This is not the first case of the deadly strain to reach the Northeast. Locals have dubbed the disease “Autumn”, while foreigners have never seen anything like this. “I did not sign up for this when I moved to Cambridge,” said SoCal native William Oh, class of ’18. “ I have to brave torrential drizzles almost weekly to get to class, and everyone seems to be totally cool with leaves shriveling up and dying.”

According to tree experts, the disease has been in the region for sometime, and may be vastly understated. “No one seemed to care when the only trees being infected were trees such as brown ash or black spruce,” said International Society of Arboriculture President Mark Roberts, “But when white poplar and sycamore trees started getting infected, everyone freaked the fuck out.”

“This is what happens when yew have a socialist running the country,” said giant pair of glasses and Fox News correspondent Lisa Kennedy Montgomery. “I mean it can’t just be a coincidence that Treebola rhymes with Hezbollah. This all a part of Obama’s plan for treebola death panels.”

Preventative measures include transferring to Stanford, and banking on the imminent arrival of the messiah.

© 2014