and entering

College Shuts off Water, Electricity Over Spring Break

Students line up outside CVS to pick over dwindling supplies of Cliff Bars and Campbell's Chunky soups.

Cambridge, MA-- In an effort to add to the savings accrued during HUDS’ spring break closing, Harvard financial officers have reportedly ordered the shutdown of all College utilities for the duration of the week.

“If all goes according to plan,” said Judith Applewhite, College CFO, “We will save enough money to drain and refill the Blodgett Pool with cognac at least twice.” Within three hours of the initial announcement, Cambridge PD received several reports of looting, arson, and student attempts to use the common area kitchens. Despite this, Applewhite went on to say that the College felt the move was justified.

“It would be one thing if there were people staying in the dorms over break,” explained Applewhite. “As far as I know, though, it’s just a few undergraduates.”

Students choosing to stay on campus over the break have been forced to adapt to the new conditions, hunting and gathering during the day and filtering Charles River water through the charcoal remains of the desks which they burn for warmth at night. Said one student on Monday, “Them’s is my coneys, see? I cuts anyone touches me coneys,” gesturing at a brace of dead rabbits tied to his hip and brandishing a sharpened piece of HUDS flatware at this reporter, before clambering up the side of Eliot House and vanishing through one of its darkened, broken windows.


Image credit:

© 2014