Cambridge, MA--- Still in the midst of shopping week, Harvard sophomore Tom Stepps has been rejected from three hundred and fifty seven classes in the VES department. “I thought if I applied to a bunch of them and had a decade of hands-on experience and interest in the visual arts, I could get in,” explained Stepps, “but clearly I should have thought more carefully in the interview about which films have inspired me most.”

Stepps described the interview process as a “harrowing examination of my own insecurities that revealed what a fraud I am – it is now clear to me that I did not deserve to be in those classes.” A closer look at the VES website would have shown that it is actually department policy to demean and belittle all students who enjoy Pixar films, which Stepps does oh so much.

“I do not think he has completed a single feature film,” explained one professor in the department, “and his paintings look like they were made by a twenty year old. I would say apply again next year, but that would just embarrass us both.” The professor then began laughing, and continued doing so until he submerged back into his painting cave. Anonymous sources report he considers his own work a significantly higher priority than helping his students learn. 

There is little hope now for Stepps, who in the intervening hours has decided to apply to medical school, where upon graduating he will consult for Fortune 500 companies in the areas of corporate electrical financial engineering and promote the consumption of GMOs for NSA drone mercenaries. As this goes to print, Stepps walks to the Barker Center, to check on his admission to creative writing classes. Our investigative reporters, who have already looked at the sheets, confirm that he has been rejected from another twelve classes.