Leverett Dining Hall, MA- A sophomore in Leverett last night deduced that the “high-profile dignitary” visiting the Harvard Square area (the visit not being connected with the University) is probably totally Barack Obama visiting the Kennedy School.
edX, the revolutionary open-source online education program offered by Harvard, MIT, Stanford, and every other university with more than three computers, recently revealed that its course “Flight Vehicle Aerodynamics” would be blocked to students in Cuba, Iran, and Sudan.
Following a disappointing meeting last week with University President Drew Faust regarding a $250,000 increase in funding for student organizations, a spiritually disillusioned President Gus Mayopoulos has allegedly found renewed hope for humanity and Harvard in the teachings of The Church of the Helix.
Mayopoulos—who has been watching the online social experiment “Twitch Plays Pokémon” twenty-six hours a day since discovering The Stream—surprised friends and constituents alike with his quick turnaround from existential malaise into transcendent bliss.
Cambridge—In an announcement that surprised almost no one, Former Dean Evelynn Hammonds confessed to hijacking Harvard’s Odyssey Cluster supercomputer in order to mine the popular cryptocurrency Dogecoin. Hammonds’ confession, published Tuesday in the Crimson, appeared remorseful, with the former Dean expressing her regret for “shaming my fellow shibes” by misusing academic resources.
Harvard University Dining Services (HUDS) today introduced much-needed transparency to its cereal naming process, unveiling a revolutionary new methodology. The new HUDS Head of Marketing and Strategy announced that they would soon start naming their cereals after alumni who donated generously to the university. Starting next week, students can, for instance, rely on a bowl of Kenneth Griffin Bran Flakes to get them through their 3am problem set sessions.
As the leadership of the Harvard Undergraduate Council prepares for its semesterly meeting with University President Drew Gilpin Faust, the Office of the President confirmed that Faust will "beat UC ass."
Speaking through a plastic mouthguard, President Faust reminded students that "you are exshpendable, little piecshes of shit. Shuckle at my teat, vermin."
Rapper LL Cool J, named the artist of the year by the Harvard Foundation for Intercultural and Race Relations last week, will deliver an extended rendition of his 2013 hit “Accidental Racist” at the matinee show Cultural Rhythms 2014. Every year, the Harvard Foundation for Intercultural and Race Relations chooses an artist of the year on the basis of many stringent criteria including contribution to cultural and racial dialogues, quality of service to the community, and appearance price.
According to a recent email sent out to the students, faculty, and staff, Katie Lapp, Executive Vice President of Harvard University, is currently trapped underneath a snowdrift.
Cambridge, MA—“Young ladies, young men,” began the first message from the newly appointed Dean of Pleasant E-mails. Spare Change Newspaper vendor Gregory Daugherty—a longtime fixture of Harvard Square—was elected unanimously to be the inaugural holder of the position. “Would you like to read the Dean’s weekly e-mail today?” the message continued, “Don’t be shy. Young man. Young lady.”
Cambridge, MA--- Still in the midst of shopping week, Harvard sophomore Tom Stepps has been rejected from three hundred and fifty seven classes in the VES department. “I thought if I applied to a bunch of them and had a decade of hands-on experience and interest in the visual arts, I could get in,” explained Stepps, “but clearly I should have thought more carefully in the interview about which films have inspired me most.”
