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Harvard

Koch Brothers Push Yang-Jackson Ticket Over Spending Limit

Cambridge, MA—In a revelation that has rocked the Harvard community, the Undergraduate Council’s election committee has unearthed a $75 donation from Charles and David Koch to the campaign of Happy Yang and Faith Jackson. Analysts suspect that the secret donation, a sum that surpasses the regulated $50 limit by a whopping 50 percent, was in exchange for an oil and natural gas-friendly platform. 

Harvard to Replace Stillman Infirmary with Lone Surgeon in Canvas Tent

CAMBRIDGE - In a significant reshuffling of student health resources, Harvard University Health Services is planning to close Stillman Infirmary and replace it with a lone surgeon equipped only with a bottle of whisky and a surgical saw. 

HUDS Inaugural Sex Week Workshop A Hit

This past week, Harvard University Dining Services’ (HUDS) first ever Sex Week workshop was met with a wave of gratitude from students and professors alike. The workshop, fittingly titled “Ladies, Mind Your Melons; Boys, Preserve Your Plantains”, employed foods commonly found in Harvard dining halls to educate individuals about their sexual health.

HUDS "Traffic Light" Label Has Too Many Colors

The introduction of new color-coded food into several dining halls as part of a senior thesis project investigating whether colors make people eat stuff has drawn criticism from a wide range of students. Chief among the concerns voiced is the number of colors used in the experiment, which has quickly exceeded two dozen and threatens to surpass the chromatic sensibilities of all but the most hardened VES concentrators.

Lamont Securitas Guard Wants to Check that Pocket, Too

LAMONT LIBRARY, Mass. — In a shocking new development, the Lamont Securitas guard has announced that he would like you to open the front-most pocket on your backpack, too.

Exploring Harvard Fetishes: Gold Man-Sacks

College is a time for exploration, and it comes as no surprise that Harvard students are curious to explore not only intellectual, but sexual interests as well. A recent college survey showed that over 66% of Harvard undergraduates are planning on pursuing “gold man-sacks” at some point in their undergraduate years.

A Halloween Message from Dean Khurana

Dear Harvard College students,

Kid just going to leave beer on Wire Mesh Basket

Rapidly descending the stairs of Winthrop’s H entryway Saturday night, Evan Dorsett ’16 announced his plans to desert a half-full can of Natural Light beer in the wire mesh basket on the door of Winthrop H54.

“There are strict regulations against carrying open containers of alcohol in public, which is where I will be when I exit the building and walk onto Mill Street, and therefore I have decided I will abandon this can of beer inside, where conveniently there is a door basket for me to lean it on top of,” he said.

HUPD Enlists Dean Hammonds in Email Investigation

Hoping to placate students dissatisfied with the Harvard’s management of the recent death threat email investigation, Dean Rakesh Khurana and other University officials are reaching out to former Dean Evelyn Hammonds for help in locating the individuals responsible for the message.

“Well, well, well,” said Hammonds, swiveling away from the glow of her wall to wall underground computer bank while neatly crossing her legs. “Look who’s come crawling back.”

Dean Khurana: We Can't Do Better

In the face of criticism for what some students called insufficient communication in the wake of Friday’s emailed death threat, Dean of the College Rakesh Khurana said College administrators “can do better” to communicate with students and took full responsibility for their response to the threat at a press conference on Monday.

Khurana then stepped back from the podium, glanced at the assistant deans and University officers assembled behind him, nodded, and returned. 

“Actually, who am I kidding. We can’t do better. Sorry guys. There, I said it, there it is.”

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