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HUPD Enlists Dean Hammonds in Email Investigation

"It was only a matter of time."

Hoping to placate students dissatisfied with the Harvard’s management of the recent death threat email investigation, Dean Rakesh Khurana and other University officials are reaching out to former Dean Evelyn Hammonds for help in locating the individuals responsible for the message.

“Well, well, well,” said Hammonds, swiveling away from the glow of her wall to wall underground computer bank while neatly crossing her legs. “Look who’s come crawling back.”

“Let’s cut to the chase, Ev,” said Khurana, wiping at the gash in his forehead sustained while freerunning his way through Hammonds’ lethal, remotely-operated security system. “We need you back.” Eyewitnesses stated that Khurana then paused before adding, in a more subdued tone, “Drew needs you.”

Hammonds reportedly then lit a slim cigarette, took a long drag, and gently blew the smoke into Dean Kharuna’s perspiring face.

“You know my price,” said Hammonds.

“We’re diverting the funds from English department to History of Science as we speak,” said Kharuna, before casually backfisting one of Hammonds’ battered attack-bots, which had begun to reanimate over his right shoulder. “What do you say, Ev?”

“You’ve got a deal, RakMan,” said Hammonds. The pair then allegedly shared a firm handshake before walking in slow motion down a concrete corridor lined with broken, sparking fluorescent bulbs, as the opening riffs of The Who’s “Won’t Get Fooled Again” swelled in the background.

© 2014