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HUPD Enlists Dean Hammonds in Email Investigation

Hoping to placate students dissatisfied with the Harvard’s management of the recent death threat email investigation, Dean Rakesh Khurana and other University officials are reaching out to former Dean Evelyn Hammonds for help in locating the individuals responsible for the message.

“Well, well, well,” said Hammonds, swiveling away from the glow of her wall to wall underground computer bank while neatly crossing her legs. “Look who’s come crawling back.”

NSA Searches College Email Accounts, Resident Deans Unimpressed

Cambridge, MA- The Washington Post revealed yet another instance of email-tapping by the NSA on Monday--this time, of Harvard Resident Deans and other administrators. Upon finding out the news, however, Harvard officials remained starkly unimpressed.
"It's like 'whatever' at this point," said Leverett Resident Dean Lauren Brandt, via an NSA-read exclusive email conversation with Satire V.