CAMBRIDGE, MA- In a surprise press conference, Grand Sphinx Andrew Farkas announced yesterday that The Hasty Pudding Institute of 1770 has acquired Harvard Square late night eatery Tasty Burger. The new organization will be officially named The Tasty Pudding Institute of 1770, Home of the Big Tasty.

In the wake of reports of Ebola in American cities, Harvard University Health Services has "stepped up its game in the fight against Ebola." 

According to UHS Chief Dr. Paul Barreira, UHS is now actively offering free Cold Kits to any students who report "soreness, congested sinuses, or bleeding from multiple orifices."

According to Barreira, the Cold Kits are meant to help provide a "first line of defense" against Ebola, a virus that "can really hamper both academic and extracurricular performance."

Cambridge, MA--- A recent Fox News "Campus Reform" interview of Harvard students confirmed earlier this week that a majority of Harvard students do seem to have paid attention in history class at some point over the course of their lives.

The interview, which sought to determine if Harvard students thought America or ISIS is a greater threat to world peace, revealed unusually nuanced perspectives from students at one of the nation's top colleges, which indicated high levels of international history study and comprehension.  

United States Vice President Joe Biden announced plans to visit longtime friend and self-anointed “Dean of Fresh” Thomas A. Dingman ’67 this Thursday, adding that he would also address students beforehand with remarks at the Institute of Politics.

“Can’t wait to see Tommy D again, even if it means having to say some shit about foreign policy at the IOP,” Biden told reporters.

Sources in the Harvard administration claim that Computer Science 50 has recently become the "highest class at Harvard" after consuming narcotic substances with an alarming frequency. 

Harvard Hillel opened its punch season last night with a bang. After sending out invites to “The Chosen People,” the college’s wealthiest, best looking, and most Jewish came to the Hillel clubhouse on 52 Mt. Auburn St. with little idea of what to expect. Among the eager punches was a SatireV member who was able to forge an invite to report on the process that has for so long been shrouded in mystery.

     The Office of Student Life announced this Wednesday that it will begin restricting inter-house sleeping on Friday nights. The new restrictions join Thursday dining restrictions as part of a campus-wide effort to increase the cohesion of house communities. 

Cambridge—Yesterday, residents of Lowell House Suite C-12 filed a noise complaint against the Owl Club. Located a stone’s throw from the club, the suite’s windows face east, receiving the brunt of its thumping beats and the enthusiastic dialogue of the building’s many frequenters.

The complaint comes one day after the club’s first punch event of the Fall, which in years past have come to be known as a coming of age event for bright sophomores and desperate juniors alike. 

As an exciting new part of Harvard’s capital campaign, university administrators announced on Monday that they would allow donors to change the name of any one of the 255 freshmen currently residing in Canaday Hall.