President Gus Mayopoulos, who reportedly suffers from impotence and a crippling fear of the color orange, has declared a State of Emergency on Harvard’s campus. A curfew is now in effect for all students and professors, who must return to their homes by 10pm and get lunch with him in Kirkland at noon so he does not have to eat alone.

Cambridge, MA- Following the bomb threat by a Government 1368 student and the cheating scandal that required over seventy Government 1310 students to take a leave of absence, representatives from Harvard College have announced that all classes in the Government 1300 sequence will be canceled indefinitely.

The Harvard Ichthus has once again apologized for offending any “Jew-lovers” for “something that like, maybe could have been a little offensive.”

CAMBRIDGE, MA—Harvard University Provost Alan Garber announced Thursday that the building formerly known as Northwest Labs would be renamed after the daughter of Kanye West and Kim Kardashian, following their recent visit to the Graduate School of Design.

Following the recent Pre-Term Planning debacle, in which ninety-seven percent of undergraduates forgot to submit their projected class schedule for the spring semester, Harvard College administrators have decided to implement a new, Pre-Pre-Term Planning tool for student use. The proposed web application, which will ask students to plan out four months in advance how they will later fill out their regular Pre-Term Planning schedules, will go live at 9:30 am on Christmas morning and close at 12:01 am New Year’s Day.

As the semester draws to a close, Jason Michaels, a Teaching Fellow in government, came to the conclusion earlier this week that he has not been and will not be invited any of the 13 faculty dinners this semester. Michaels, who is rapidly approaching 40 years old, recognizes mistily that he is at the awkward age at which he “is too old to be considered the sexy TF, but still too young to be the wise one.” Out of the 21 course staffers, Michaels was the only one to not be invited to a single dinner.

HarvardX, Harvard’s division of the edX massive online open course platform, was proud to announce the addition of new virtual capabilities to the service, including the addition of a virtual Annenberg dining hall. Students will be able to virtually fill their plates with warm prepared entrees, fresh greens from the salad bar, and orders straight from the grill.