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Harvard To Cancel All Government 1300 Courses

"No more of this for you guys!" - Dean Ellison

Cambridge, MA- Following the bomb threat by a Government 1368 student and the cheating scandal that required over seventy Government 1310 students to take a leave of absence, representatives from Harvard College have announced that all classes in the Government 1300 sequence will be canceled indefinitely.

“Fuck it,” stated Dean of Undergraduate Education Jay M. Harris at an impromptu press conference atop a table in Annenberg on Tuesday night, “if you assholes can’t handle taking a course in American Government, then we’re just gonna stop offering them.”

Onlookers noted that Harris smoked at least four cigarettes during his five-minute speech and took several large swigs from a bottle inside of a paper bag. Harris continued, “If you wanna learn about our government, cross-register at MIT. They probably have some courses. Brown definitely does, I think.”

At the conclusion of his speech, Harris proceeded to flip off several members of Harvard’s baseball team and shout, “Looks like you’re gonna need to find some new classes, motherfuckers.” It is believed that Harris is the first dean, though certainly not the first person, to be kicked out of Annenberg for public intoxication.

When pressed for comment, Dean of Harvard College Donald Pfister replied, “Oh, is that what all that ruckus was about? No wonder my fungi seem so sad.”

© 2013