President Gus Mayopoulos, who reportedly suffers from impotence and a crippling fear of the color orange, has declared a State of Emergency on Harvard’s campus. A curfew is now in effect for all students and professors, who must return to their homes by 10pm and get lunch with him in Kirkland at noon so he does not have to eat alone.

Mayopoulos, who came to power via a controversial technique known to insiders as “only a few people voted,” now has the authority to alter any student’s grade to a slash grade and can sleep with any PAF he likes. The Fly and Delphic Clubs have already been shut down for rejecting Mayopoulos’s requests for membership, and several members of the President’s blocking group are now concerned this means he will take the single next semester, whether they like it or not.

The students of Harvard now cower in fear of corporal punishment, relying on anonymous internet message boards to share thoughts about whether Mayopoulos really should have shaved, like, a month ago. For now, they obey, and all eyes are on our bearded leader.