In a surprise to many the Delphic Club announced Friday that it would close indefinitely rather than be forced to accept a co-ed class of punches.  Standing in a seersucker suit outside the Delphic clubhouse, Grad Board President Harry F. Byrd Sr. ’52 expounded on his new policy of “Massive Resistance.” Byrd explained that the Delphic had a “storied legacy from J.P.

Harvard Hillel opened its punch season last night with a bang. After sending out invites to “The Chosen People,” the college’s wealthiest, best looking, and most Jewish came to the Hillel clubhouse on 52 Mt. Auburn St. with little idea of what to expect. Among the eager punches was a SatireV member who was able to forge an invite to report on the process that has for so long been shrouded in mystery.

In an effort to make the joining process for prospective members less threatening, the  eight presidents of Harvard’s final clubs met this week and determined to change the name of the process from “punching” to “stroking”.