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Obama, Trump Bond Over a Game of Drone Strikes

WASHINGTON - As tensions appear to mount between President Barack Obama and President-elect Donald Trump, the two met at the White House today to get to know each other better by playing a rousing game of drone strikes.
 
"Ooo, look Barack! I got one!" said Trump as Obama showed him the ropes this afternoon in the Situation Room.
 
"Uh, actually, you missed. You were supposed to hit the Taliban hideout next to the playground," responded Obama. "But no worries. Happens all the time."
 

Uh oh! The Secret Service Just Lost Barack Obama

Secret Service

WASHINGTON — Whoops! According to reports, the United States Secret Service just lost President Barack Obama.

What a total brain fart! It looks like President Obama went missing after last night's rally for Hillary Clinton in Philadelphia. He hasn't been seen since!

"We seem to have misplaced President Obama," said Director of the Secret Service Joseph Clancy. "No need to worry, though. I'm sure he'll turn up soon...hopefully."

¡Ay, caramba! This is quite a doozy!

Jimmy Carter Announces He's Still Alive

ATLANTA, GA-- At a Carter Center press conference in Atlanta on August 20, former President Jimmy Carter confirmed that he is in fact still alive.
 
“Yep, here I am,” said President Carter. “In the flesh.”
 
Carter’s announcement was met with shock and confusion from the public.
 
“What are you talking about?” said Cambridge resident Henderson Pierce. “Jimmy Carter died in, like 2004. It was on TV and stuff.”
 

America Just Not That Into Rudy Giuliani

At a dinner featuring 2016 Republican presidential hopeful Scott Walker, former New York City Mayor Rudy Giuliani proclaimed, “I do not believe that the president loves America.” America has since responded that it’s “just not that into him.”

The country, famous for its tendency to carefully consider involving itself in other people’s problems, decided that it had to weigh in on Giuliani’s remarks.

“Look, I understand he’s really into me.  And who wouldn’t be?” said America. “We had our thing a few years ago but now I’m just so over Ricky Giovanni.”

Lame Duck Obama Actually Grows Hitler Mustache to Fuck with Tea Party

WASHINGTON, D.C. — President Obama announced today that, since the midterm elections are over, he has grown a Hitler mustache just to fuck with the Tea Party. 

“How do you like me now, Ted Cruz? Ooooo I’m scaaaary aren’t I?” asked President Obama in front of a crowd of reporters in the White House Briefing Room. “I just don’t give a fuck anymore about this bipartisan bullshit,” he added.

Tasty Pudding Institute Announces Merger Between Pudding, Tasty Burger

CAMBRIDGE, MA- In a surprise press conference, Grand Sphinx Andrew Farkas announced yesterday that The Hasty Pudding Institute of 1770 has acquired Harvard Square late night eatery Tasty Burger. The new organization will be officially named The Tasty Pudding Institute of 1770, Home of the Big Tasty.

President Obama Kidnapped, Secret Service Smells Something Fishy

WASHINGTON - Following media reports that President Barack Obama was kidnapped yesterday, the Secret Service released a statement that expressed its belief that something smelled fishy.

“We are of the opinion that something suspicious is going on,” said acting director Joe Clancy in a press briefing, as the Commander-in-Chief was whisked away from the White House in a burlap sack carried by two burly, masked men. “We’re not quite sure what it is, yet, but it’s definitely something that we should check out.”

Harvard Junior on Mission to Selfie with Obama

Leverett Dining Hall, MA- A sophomore in Leverett last night deduced that the “high-profile dignitary” visiting the Harvard Square area (the visit not being connected with the University) is probably totally Barack Obama visiting the Kennedy School.

Obama Starting to Regret Missing CS50 Office Hours

Washington, DC—A visibly frustrated Barack Obama stared at the lines of code on his computer screen.

“David went over this in lecture,” Obama sighed, referring to the live stream he participated in as a student in CS50’s edX course, “it made sense at the time, but now I’m doing it for real and there are errors all over the place.”

Obama Receives Second Nobel Prize

Oslo—The Norwegian Nobel Committee today announced that American President Barack Obama has been awarded the 2013 Nobel Peace Prize. Obama, who now becomes the first person in history to be named a Peace laureate multiple times, was chosen over a number of other nominees including women’s rights advocate Malala Yousafzai and NSA leaker Edward Snowden.

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